Before actually reading chapter ten of Lifegivers: Framing the Birthparent Experience in Open Adoption, birth and adoptive parents alike might be excited about the wealth of information held within the chapter. Entitled, "Open Adoption's Holy Grail: The Birthparent Role," one might assume that the chapter is detailed with exactly how a birth parent should act or react within the confines of the relationship.

You're going to be sadly and sorely disappointed if that's the case.

Gritter makes no apologies for the fact that he has no set "role" for the birth parents to fill in the open adoption relationship. He does acknowledge, however, that finding a way to define the role would help people better understand birth parents on the whole. A role would spare families the sometimes uncomfortable process of trial and error as they find what works best for their own family. And, really, with a role to fill, wouldn't things just be easier and happier?

Unfortunately, it's not that easy.

Anytime we reduce our interaction with others to playing out of preordained scripts, we lose a great deal. Clarity about our role may relieve some of our worries about fitting in, but it may cost us our sense of joy about participating in an adventure of our own creation. [...] There is also some hazard that carefully explained role distinctions my box us into egocentric concerns about little more than our own role in the drama. Rather than helping us discover how we fit together, these distinctions may keep us comfortably apart and deny us the opportunity to forge a shared understanding of who we are as connected individuals.

That's great, but it doesn't answer the questions of what birth parents are to do in the relationship, does it? Quite frankly, this is where many families struggle as they try to find the appropriate level of involvement. Gritter reminds us that it will vary from family to family and likely change over time. That said, there are some factors that give shape to the relationship, things that we can keep in mind as each family figures out what the birth parent is responsible for within their situation.

It is important for families to define their open adoption. We've seen the varied definitions and if birth and adoptive parents are working off of two completely different ones, catastrophe awaits. Defining that openness will help birth and adoptive parents alike. Furthermore, the purpose of that open adoption needs to be stated clearly. What are your purposes in placing your child for adoption and continuing to have contact with your child? What are the adoptive parents purposes in keeping that contact alive? (Hopefully the answers revolve around the betterment of the child.)
Understanding basic function of each of the members is important, as we discussed in chapter nine. (Birth parents as givers of life, adoptive parents as sustainers of that life and, together, affirming that life.)

As all of these things are understood, agreed upon and accepted, a plan needs to be set in place. This would be based off of the definition, purpose and basic function of the parties involved. Things like communication need to be discussed (in what manner, how often, visits) and appropriate boundaries need to be set. With all of that in mind, values need to be kept in mind when the plan fails. Why? The plan will fail at times. People get busy and forget to send cards (on both the birth and adoptive parent sides). Lives are hectic and sometimes it's hard to schedule a visit. Keeping in mind the values that "underlie the arrangement is important." If you keep in mind that the ultimate goal is to honor the child in everything that is done, learning to accept a missed visit and prepare for the next will be a bit easier.

It is important for birth and adoptive parents to remember their responsibilities. What are those responsibilities? When we remember the values of the arrangement, to honor the child, those responsibilities become a little more clear and a lot less vague. For example, consistent contact by the birth family continues to honor that child. Thinking in terms of how things can have an effect on the child can help birth and adoptive parents make decisions on who is responsible for what and why those responsibilities are paramount to the relationship.

Gritter reminds us that etiquette is also important. Why? This is a relationship. If you act like a jerk, no one wants to be in a relationship with you. If you're respectful, it makes it easier to deal with rough situations.

He also goes on to talk about birth and adoptive parents working together outside of the immediate child-related aspect. Most often, first parents have chosen a family for their child that at least has some similar components to how they would be raising their child. Common interests will be shared by the adult members of the triad. He says to nurture these things (go shopping together, play games, watch sports, all as adults) so that the relationship continues to grow.

Finally, he talks about making routines and traditions. He gives the example of how Christmas is a busy time. If you don't start a tradition of doing something together, as an open adoption family, early on in the relationship, you won't start doing it later. Making those traditions, early in the relationship, can help create a level of consistency over time. And that's what we want.

Gritter then talks about factors that give shape to the relationship. You know, the actual nitty-gritty of open adoption. That give and take between adults. The thing many want to avoid or shirk away from due to fear or other reasons. The things he lists are all based on common sense and any good and functional relationship: goodwill, honesty, humor, boundaries, a sense of partnership and openness. When we treat the relationship like any other relationship, allowing it to grow and flourish with our hard work, the rewards are astounding. Not just for the adults, but for the child as well.

Gritter concludes with this:

[...] there is no official script for appropriate birthparent behavior. The next birthparent to come along cannot safely presume that her experience will closely resemble that of her predecessors. She may find their descriptions of their journeys informative, but that is all their accounts can be for her. He journey will very likely hold important similarities to the travels of those who have gone before her, but we can be sure it will be a very distinct experience. How can it be otherwise? She is a very different person, and she will trek through different territories with different companions at a different point in time. A sense of role, no matter how clear or well-developed, could never prepare her for all that awaits her. Properly understood, she is stepping into the adventure of an emerging relationship. The glory of open adoption is that every relationship is uniquely created by the people who live it out.

And so, the truth remains: we do have to flub through much of this on our own. Or, by on our own, I do mean with the help of the adoptive family.

Tomorrow we'll talk about "reluctant birth parents."

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For more on Lifegivers, read:

1. Beginning a Chapter Review of Lifegivers.

2. Lifegivers: Chapter One.

3. Lifegivers: Chapter Two.

4. Lifegivers: Chapter Three.

5. Lifegivers: Chapter Four.

6. Lifegivers: Chapter Five.

7. Lifegivers: Chapter Six.

8. Lifegivers: Chapter Seven.

9. Lifegivers: The First Half of Chapter Eight.

10. Lifegivers: The Second Half of Chapter Eight.

11. Lifegivers: Chapter Nine.


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Photo Credit: Book cover.