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As this week begins, we’re now in the midst of part two of Lifegivers: Framing the Birthparent Experience in Open Adoption. Chapter six continues looking at some of the major themes for birth parents; it’s entitled, “Holding On and Letting Go: The reasonable Ambivalence of Birthparents.” Birth parent ambivalence, defined simply as uncertainty or fluctuation, is often misunderstood. This chapter takes an in depth look at the ambivalence felt during the decision making process by many expectant parents and the confusion (and possible frustration) of others involved in the situation.
It is important to note that everyone involved in the adoption triad can experience some form of ambivalence. Brief examples include the decisions that adopting parents have to go through in order to come to the conclusion that adoption is a right fit for their own family. Or, looking at adoptees, as a reunion resulting from a closed adoption begins to take shape, they may feel a sense of uncertainty as to where their loyalties lie and what is an appropriate response towards each set of parents. Expectant parents (and then, after relinquishment, birth parents) are not exempt from such issues. In fact, the decision making process is filled with fluctuation.
One misunderstanding is that open adoption, which allows birth parents to have continuing contact with their placed children, removes the presence of ambivalence. After all, the birth parents were involved in the choosing of parents and thus know that their child is well cared for and loved, right? Like with all things in adoption, openness is not a magic cure all for these issues. Gritter explains it well.
Open adoption draws, stirs and in some ways sustains the birthparents’ ambivalence. Almost by definition, open adoption birthparents – who are simultaneously working to let go and to stay in touch – live with ambivalence; it is inherent in their experience.
Gritter goes on to say that there are three underlying factors for birth parent ambivalence. The first, moral ambiguity, is based on the internal conflict of which course of action is more “right” than the other, thus becoming a “moral close call.” When parenting seems right for x-number of reasons and placing seems right for the same number of different reasons, the inability to decipher which one would be the “best,” when they seem so equal, can create quite a dilemma for a parent trying to make such a decision. For some, the single act (parenting or placement) can actually seem both right and wrong at the same time. It’s not a fun place to be in, deciding a lifetime of right and wrong in a short amount of time.
The second factor is the head-heart conflict, when one’s logical mind is saying that one act is the appropriate (and “responsible”) action while the heart is saying the the other act is the appropriate (and “loving”) action. Unable to figure out which one she should listen to, heart or mind, the mother is tempted to ignore both and let the decision sit for quite some time.
Gritter states that the third factor in birth parent ambivalence goes back to the previous chapter’s discussion of necessity. As human beings, we don’t often enjoy doing things that need to be done, we would rather choose to do what we want to do, when we want to do it. That’s the rub.
Seldom is adoption selected as a true preference – it almost always involves a pronounced element of necessity. The idea of adoption simply does not occur to pregnant women in circumstances where all is well; it only emerges as a possible outcome when something is seriously askew. Potential birthparents only consider adoption because something very powerful compelled them to consider it.
He goes on to say that as we struggle with things that we need to do, we might often protest or resist making the decisions surrounding that need. As a result, you will often see some avoidance, denial, or delay in action from birth parents who know that a decision needs to be made but, quite frankly, they just can’t do it.
Gritter then goes through a list of ambivalence “look-alikes,” which some may view as ambivalence in itself but actually fall under one of the three main factors he has already discussed. The include things like uncertainty itself, emotional paralysis, stalling to delay the inevitable, hoping for magic (you know, like winning the lottery) and the desire to break the difficult news gently to those who are also involved, by association, in the process.
While many view ambivalence as a symptom of weakness or failure, it is a normal reaction to big, life-changing situations. While it is easy to see a perceived lack of interest or action as a lack of interest in the child, “the anguish and persistence of ambivalence signals investment and caring.” Gritter goes as far to say that “ambivalence is a manifestation of realistic thinking and humility.”
However, when an expectant parent decides against placing her child for adoption and thus decides to parent her child, people often try to use the previous bouts of ambivalence against that new parent. They question how she could now want to be her child’s everyday parent when just a few days ago she was considering “giving him up,” or acted as though she didn’t care where he went at all. Gritter dislikes this line of thinking, referring to it as unfair and shortsighted.
How curious that one moment these critics admire her contemplation of adoption and consider it a sign of maturity, and the next they consider it a cause for concern. The proposed act that one day was regarded as a “loving choice” is the next referred to as “unloading responsibility.”
He goes on to say that consideration of adoption (and that’s all it is prior to the relinquishment of rights) cannot be confused as a disinterest in the child. Parents who are committed to the idea of open adoption often have a high level of interest in their child (or, thus, they wouldn’t be pushing for their own continued involvement).
Gritter then goes through some tips for professionals or adoptive families dealing with an ambivalent expectant parent (which can also be used to talk about those who have already placed and are having trouble finding their place in an open adoption relationship). The most important thing that he says throughout the few pages can be summed up with this quote:
Ambivalence is not resolved by blocking feelings; it is relieved by acknowledging and working to understand them.
In fact, I’m sure that could help the expectant and first parents who are experiencing bouts of ambivalence in their decision making process or their relationships. Ignoring the questions, answers and confusion won’t make it magically disappear. Addressing the concerns, with the professionals or the family, can help answer those questions or improve the relationship. Gritter also lets us know that, in some areas, ambivalence will continue to exist. Understanding the specific whys in each unique situation and making room for some of it can help families continue to move forward in their relationships.
Tomorrow, in chapter seven, we’ll talk about the grief that many birth parents experience.
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For more on Lifegivers, read:
1. Beginning a Chapter Review of Lifegivers.
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Photo Credit: Book cover.
