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Today I am beginning a chapter by chapter review of the book Lifegivers: Framing the Birthparent Experience in Open Adoption. Chapter One is (amusingly?) entitled: Why the Public Dislikes Birthparents (And Why They Are Wrong). (No, seriously, that’s the entire title. I didn’t add the little sidebar at the end, promise!) The chapter, as you might assume, takes an in depth look at the stereotypes and myths that surround birth parents that cause society, in general, to have a distaste and general lack of empathy for their plight.
One point that Gritter does make in this chapter is that birth parents do represent a “full cross section of humanity,” meaning that there are both absolute sinners and wonderful saints among the ranks. Of course, the extremes on either end are few and the “average” birth parent remains in the majority. Some people don’t want to believe this, having seen and experience differences in their own lives. Gritter hints as to why this might be the case.
[...] the invisibility of “average” birthparents adds to the likelihood that, as a group, they will be misunderstood. In the absence of knowable people, we usually turn to popular images and stereotypes of birthparents.
He blames the problem of invisibility on the fact that many birth parents keep a low profile due to reasons that can include guilt and shame and further encompass the stereotypes that are talked about in the chapter.
He then jumps right into the stereotypes that are laid upon birth parents. We’ve heard them all before and they don’t come as a shock to many readers. We have the fallen woman, seen as promiscuous and reckless in action and therefore deserving of whatever comes her way. Then there’s the ineffectual woman who wasn’t smart enough to avoid pregnancy, can’t get her act together to raise that baby and therefore also deserves whatever comes her way. We’ve heard birth mothers described as the fickle woman, changing her mind this way and that and thus putting the adoption in jeopardy. He mentions the denigrated woman who, even if she has chosen her child’s adoptive family for any variety of upstanding reasons, is placed on the same level as parents who have had their children removed for reasons such as abuse or neglect.
When he mentioned the tormented woman, I cringed a bit. He talks about the mothers of the closed adoption system, “victims of a punitive system,” and the angry way in which some can speak out. I thought, at first, that he was going to degrade all mothers who speak out in anger. Instead, he’s states that this particular stereotype came about because society wrongly judged the vocal woman instead of judging the circumstances (the system) that caused her pain. Good job, Gritter.
The last stereotype which he hits on (and thus debunks) is the one of the heartless woman. “What kind of mother leaves her child?” Many a birth parent has been faced with that line of questioning, being told, as Gritter says, that they’ve taken the “easy way out.”
After he has discussed all of these negative stereotypes, he hits on why their continued and unsubstantiated use harms adoption in general. In open adoption, a birth parent that feels judged and undervalued can have serious problems properly functioning within that open relationship. While some are strong enough to stick to their guns and stand up for what they want and need for the relationship, too many feel as though they are only “permitted” to participate, “dependent on the charity of others (the adoptive parents)” instead of an active participant.
Of course, he also states that the continued use of negative stereotypes to talk about birth parents can undermine the adopted child’s self-image.
He hits on something in the chapter by stating that even if all birth parents were truly negative human beings, they would, at the very least, deserve reasonable and respectful treatment. He goes on to hit on the positives of the “average” birth parent, reminding readers that they have the child’s best interest at heart, often value family, believe that their child should have a full account as to why the adoption took place, continue to be realistic and mindful of the “long haul,” often are fiercely independent and have a strength of character to carry through with their beliefs.
He closes the chapter with four ways that we can move towards acceptance and respect.
1. Birthparents need to step forward and publicly share their experiences.
2. The adoptive community must rise to defend the honor of birth parents.
3. The wider adoptive community must do a better job at identifying with birth parents.
4. We must develop a new script for the appropriate transfer of parental responsibility.
In explaining each step, every member of the triad (and beyond to include adoption professionals) is called out and challenged to look at what they are currently doing and how that is either helping or harming the current state of affairs. While all of that involves a lot of work, the benefits to all could be amazing.
Tomorrow, I will hit on Chapter Two.
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For more, read:
1. Beginning a Chapter Review of Lifegivers.
2. Book Hits at the Heart of Open Adoption.
3. Fresh Outlook Friday: Understanding the Birth Mother in Open Adoption.
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Photo Credit: Book cover.
