This morning as we look at Lifegivers: Framing the Birthparent Experience in Open Adoption, I'm hopeful. We've spent the past eight chapters of discussion talking about who birth parents are and why they do certain things but we haven't really talked about the answers to everyone's question: What should birth parents be doing? This chapter, entitled "Lifegivers: How Birthparents Fit In and Why They Have Enduring Importance," gives insight as to what birth parents bring to the table and what they can (and should) be offering the adoptive family and, most importantly, the child.

We understand that adoptive parents do not give birth to the child. We understand that birth parents do not provide the day-to-day care for the child. So, that's that, right? Gritter says, not so fast. There are three different aspects to parenting: giving life, sustaining life and affirming life. Obviously, the birth parents are in charge of the first one, though open adoption has allowed for adoptive parents to be present during the birth of the child. Obviously, the adoptive parents are in charge of sustaining that life (daily caregiving), though open adoption has allowed for first parents to be witness to those everyday type things. So, what's this affirming life stuff? Who controls that one? Both sets of parents.

Gritter explains for those who might not have heard the term used before:

Although it does not come to mind as a defining aspect of parenting as quickly as do giving and sustaining life, it nevertheless strikes me as a vital dimension of healthy parenting. This affirming function is a matter of unconditional acceptance and unflagging interest.

Basically, it's unconditional love, acceptance and interest in the child. Birth and adoptive parents are to share this affirming role in a healthy open adoption. What's one more person to show the child love? To show a healthy interest in the accomplishments he/she achieves? The care that is provided for the child on this level by both sets of parents, working together, can help provide a sense of security.

There are issues, of course, with the affirmation "parenting." A certain level of care can be perceived by the adoptive family as an actual form of day-to-day caregiving. Gritter gives an example of a birth mother rushing to provide comfort to a toddler who has tripped. Is she stepping on the adoptive mother's toes? Or is she just acting in a caring manner towards a human being that she loves? This is where, point blank, boundaries are needed and open, honest communication benefits the parties. Adoptive parents need to be honest and let the first family parents know certain things that are "over the line." (Examples include simple things gift giving for birthdays and Christmas to complex matters like the teen adoptee telling the birth parent something that the adoptive family should be privy to in order to best serve the child.) Finding and setting those boundaries is extremely important for an open adoption to work successfully.

After a section that debates the importance of biological ties (read it; I'm planning on discussing that separately next week, so come back), Gritter explains how birth parents, as lifegivers, fit into the open adoption scheme. It's a "defining" of the "birth parent role." We don't see it often, so listen up.

Birth parents are to "ensure effective caregiving." This is most often done by choosing adoptive parents for their child and should not be confused as trying to mandate how the adoptive parents actually parent the child. (For more on that, read here.) Furthermore, when birth parents endorse the parenting that the adoptive family is doing and support their decisions, it helps the child feel secure about their family unit.

First parents are also responsible for giving an "authentic account of the birth story." Quite frankly, even if the adoptive parents were in the delivery room, they weren't the ones actively bringing the child into the room. That's why it's best for the birth mother to be available to tell the story as the child asks questions. Little details about the pregnancy are also of vital interest and importance.

Quite importantly, birth parents have a responsibility to "explain the adoption decision." Again, even if the reasons have been explained to the adoptive family, hearing the words directly from the responsible party is often what adoptees want. This is not just a one time responsibility either. As the child grows and matures, different questions will be asked and answers will be expected. Being present with those answers is vitally important.

Birth parents have an obligation to "provide genealogical context." The adoptee can be curious about his/her heritage and the birth parent can provide access to that information or those people. Furthermore, which Gritter does not mention but fits right into this specific topic, birth parents have a bigger obligation to take that genealogical information and apply it to health related issues and continue to pass those one to the family and child as changes are made through the course of history. This is probably one of the most important things that birth parents can offer their placed children in the long run.

First parents in open adoption are to be available to "validate feelings." If the child wants to feel sad about the fact that he/she is not being raised in the birth parent's home, a birth mother can validate that sadness with her own. If she is happy, at any given time, with the situation, the first parents can also validate that feeling.

As Gritter talked about in detail earlier in the chapter, involved birth parents "provide affirmation." Simply being involved and consistently present shows the child that the birth parent cares and is interested in his/her well-being. More importantly, the involvement "declares that the child's existence is not a source of shame, but a source of celebration and delight." (Not that the involvement removes the pain for the birth parent but, we're talking about the perception of the child here!)

In sharp contrast to the closed adoption system, open adoption and birth parent involvement creates "a normal circumstance." Secrecy isn't good. We've learned that from past mistakes. There's no need for fantasizing because the birth parent is readily available. Questions are answered.

Lastly, birth parents are to "dovetail with the child's emerging voice." What that means is that the first parents are, as the child begins to voice what they want from the relationship, to follow the lead of the child. That's a no-brainer as well.

As Gritter closes the chapter, he drives home the importance of teamwork between birth and adoptive parents. Not co-parenting: teamwork. No longer rivals as they once were in the closed adoption system, birth and adoptive parents can work together in the best interest of the child. Putting aside fear and jealousy, the two can be a great team. Gritter ends the chapter, again, with a great point.

When the exclusive aspects of parenting [life giving vs. sustaining life] are affirmed, respected and supported, adoptive parents and birthparents have no sense of rivalry. When their interdependence [affirmation of the child] is embraced rather than resented, adoptive parents and birthparents create loving, cooperative circumstances for their children. And when children feel the unconditional love and affection of all the crucial contributors to their life stories, they are positioned to thrive.

Amen!

Tomorrow we'll talk more about the birth parent role.

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For more on Lifegivers, read:

1. Beginning a Chapter Review of Lifegivers.

2. Lifegivers: Chapter One.

3. Lifegivers: Chapter Two.

4. Lifegivers: Chapter Three.

5. Lifegivers: Chapter Four.

6. Lifegivers: Chapter Five.

7. Lifegivers: Chapter Six.

8. Lifegivers: Chapter Seven.

9. Lifegivers: The First Half of Chapter Eight.

10. Lifegivers: The Second Half of Chapter Eight.


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Photo Credit: Book cover.