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In the last chapter of Lifegivers: Framing the Birthparent Experience in Open Adoption, James L. Gritter hits on all of the stereotypes previously mentioned in the book and asks, “If birth parents aren’t these things, well then, what are they?” His conclusion? Birth parents are:
Pretty much regular people…
While there are extremes in the mixture (those who are extremely effective and those who are extremely ineffective), birth parents are just regular people as a whole. They have strengths and weaknesses. They’re just like you and me. Or, I am a birth parent so, if you’re not, they’re just like you!
… doing the best they can…
The majority of birth parents are trying to the best they can and, with that, the best by their child. This includes some ambivalence in the decision making process regarding whether it’s best for families to stay together or whether stability provided by another family is preferable. They continue to want the best for their child as the years pass.
… in difficult circumstances…
There’s nothing easy about being a birthparent.
(Though one could argue there’s nothing easy about being a parent, no matter the determiner!) The truth is that birth parents start their journey with an unplanned pregnancy, often fraught with many issues. They then make the decision to place, go through with that process and continue to live with that decision over time. Not the easiest of circumstances. Sadness remains for even those birth parents that have successful relationship with their child and his/her family. It’s just not easy!
… of great and never-ending interest to their children.
The importance of a birth parent does not end with the birth or signing of the Termination of Parental Rights (TPR). It continues throughout the duration of the child’s life. Gritter gives a great quote as to what birth parents represent to a child.
Involved birthparents represent “more” to a child — more information, more relationships, more opportunities, more love. The observation that birthparents are important to the children they entrusted to adoptive families is the cornerstone of open adoption.
Gritter then talks about the we-they perspective that has been held in adoption for so long. When society (in and outside of adoption) starts viewing birth parents as similar, “chances are good our interactions will be less driven by fear.” Regular people are not scary, we don’t have unreasonable expectations of those regular people and we don’t expect them to be perfect either.
While Gritter notes that there is a risk in stating that birth parents are just “regular people” in that people might assume that they are, thus, uninteresting, it’s a huge advance from being feared or considered different and less than others!
As he closes, Gritter states that he hopes that people will continue to understand birth parents better and, as such, fear them less. When that fear starts to disappear and birth parents feel like full-fledged equals in the adoption process, they will be less likely to disappear and the child, of the most importance, will truly benefit.
And thus ends our chapter-by-chapter review of the book!
However, I will talk about my personal views on the book tomorrow. If you have anything you’d like clarified or discussed, please leave a comment!
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For more on Lifegivers, read:
1. Beginning a Chapter Review of Lifegivers.
9. Lifegivers: The First Half of Chapter Eight.
10. Lifegivers: The Second Half of Chapter Eight.
13. Lifegivers: Chapter Eleven.
14. Lifegivers: Chapter Twelve.
15. Lifegivers: Chapter Thirteen.
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Photo Credit: Book cover.
