Starting with Chapter Five, the book Lifegivers: Framing the Birthparent Experience in Open Adoption begins to look at some major themes in the birth parent experience. It's no surprise that the author, James L. Gritter, chooses to look at the reasons behind placement in this chapter, entitled "Circumstances of Necessity." The reasons behind the relinquishment of a child are often misunderstood. The truth is, as Gritter states, that no birth parent grew up expecting to conceive and give birth to a child and then place that child to be raised by another family. So how do birth parents become birth parents.

Obviously, the answers are varied, numerous and quite complex. Many things come into play including "family, moral, religious, political, financial, psychological and relationship factors." The point that the chapter hopes to make is that the decision to place is never based on circumstance(s) alone. Don't confuse that statement to only mean that more than on circumstance is involved in the decision. While that is true in itself, as Gritter discusses throughout the chapter, the point he is trying to make is that beyond the circumstances, another "something" comes into play.

[...] we must bear in mind that birthparent motivation is never a matter of circumstance alone. Of equal or perhaps greater importance is their interpretation of thes circumstances coupled with their appraisal of adoption's capacity to relieve their concerns. In simplest terms, birthparents are motivated toward adoption because of the interplay of circumstances, their evaluation of theses circumstances, and their opinions of the alternatives.

In other words, how an expectant mother feels about accepting financial support or single motherhood is just as important, if not more so, than the financial need itself.

Gritter then begins to explain some of the circumstances themselves, not just the feelings about them, that may lead a set of expectant parents to evaluate how adoption would best meet their needs and the needs of a child. When it comes to the unplanned pregnancy itself, expectant parents considering adoption often find the pregnancy is either untimely, awkward or unsupported. He does mention at the beginning of this section while there may be one circumstance for placement, more often there are several factors (of the ones mentioned or others) that come into play.

When it comes to the untimely pregnancy, there are some variations as to what the means. Some mothers feel that their pregnancy has occurred too early in life, leaving them with limited resources for parenting and hindering their own life plans or goals. Others who have placed have experienced a pregnancy too late in life. Having already raised children (or reached an age where they thought they wouldn't be doing it at all), being faced with late nights and child-rearing all over again can be daunting. While society wants to believe that all birth mothers are pro-life, the truth remains that some mothers place because they found out about the pregnancy too late to have an abortion. Adoption, then, becomes an option for handling the situation. Many birth mothers have explained that the reason behind the placement was that they were not ready for parenting. With this particular reasoning, Gritter hits on why this is often misunderstood by people outside of the decision making process.

This circumstance is more internal than external, and the expectant mother may find it difficult to express. Her struggle to describe her feelings, however, doesn't mean the feelings are minor - her sense of not being sufficiently mature or prepared to meet the responsibilities of parenting can be very powerful.

Gritter then moves on to explaining what he means by "awkward pregnancy." I personally didn't know, prior to reading the section, what "awkward" could mean in this usage. As usual, he explains himself quite well. Many mothers who place for adoption have strong religions or ethical convictions that make being pregnant a "moral discomfort." Overwhelmed with guilt and shame for straying from these morals, many see placement as a way to atone for their sin or mistake. Others place for reasons of discretion, wanting to hide the pregnancy (and thus the child) in hopes of protecting themselves or their partner for moral outrage. Some single mothers place because, knowing the rigors of single parenting, they feel that this pregnancy will bring one child too many. Others, such as in the case of rape or incest, feel that the traumatic conception of the child will be too hard for them to deal with by trying to raise the child on an everyday basis. Still others conceived the child during an out-of-character episode, such as drinking at a party or a fling on a vacation, and may want to put such an event (and thus the child) behind her and out of mind. One awkward pregnancy situation that we hear of with some frequency is a dissatisfaction with the baby's father. Some have said that the distaste they have had for the father was so overwhelming that the thought of looking into a child that mirrored his face was unbearable. Finally, a marriage in jeopardy has been cited as another reason behind placement. In hopes of saving a failing marriage and the fears of what adding another child into that already uncertain mix, parents will choose to place a child with another family.

Furthermore, issues of an unsupported pregnancy can bring up circumstances that necessitate placement. Financial worries, of course, are among the most quoted reason for relinquishment. Familial disapproval falls right behind, with some mothers having to choose between the child she is carrying and the family that has raised her. Isolation can be a factor; some women have very few, if any, "allies" and thus fear raising a child completely and utterly alone. Some mothers may place out of deference to the baby's father. If he is supremely opposed to the idea of the child and demanding placement, a mother may choose the man over the child. Lastly, some mothers have chosen to place (or had relinquishment chosen for them) over issues concerning questionable competence. A mother with a severe mental illness who is in the care of other people is a prime example of this specific reason.

While some people may have read through the list of reasons and their explanations and thought, "Gee, that seems like a good reason," or, "Wow, that's a really silly reason to place," the truth of the matter is that the expectant mother considering placement doesn't care what the general public thinks of her reasoning. She is, first and foremost, trying to make a decision based on what her perceived notion of the child's needs may be, what she has to offer and how she feels about those offerings in relation to available alternatives. While some may not understand a woman's reasoning (or grouping of reasons), Gritter offers up a great point.

A circumstance that strikes one person as overwhelming may seem minor to another - the difference is often in each individual's interpretation.

Furthermore, Gritter goes on to state how adoption professionals need to recognize an expectant parent's difference of perception without totally imposing their own beliefs or world views on the person/persons trying to make the appropriate decision for their own family. He warns expectant parents that no social worker is going to come to the table in a totally unbiased fashion; they will all have personal experiences and beliefs that may shade how they respond to or help a certain individual. His advice is something I wish I would have had when I was making the decision to place.

No one should presume for a moment that all adoption professionals are alike, and no one relying on professional guidance should hesitate to seek a second opinion if they sense they are not receiving full and accurate information.

Quite frankly, I enjoy how in this chapter and the last one, Gritter has mentioned faults within the system and offered clear warnings (and tips) on how to deal with these shortcomings. It is refreshing and enlightening to see someone within the system acknowledge these issues in hopes of helping those who are yet to traverse these roads.

Gritter continues on as the chapter nears a close, driving home the significance of "internal necessity" in the expectant parent's decision to place the child for adoption. For so many birth parents, the placement of their child had less to do with the difficult situation on hand and more to do with their desire to give their child an "optimal outcome." (Of course, the problem lies in the fact that no one can 100% predict that outcome!) In fact, Gritter talks about what happens as a mother comes to a personal realization that someone else can offer her child a better life.

When an expectant mother reaches a clear conclusion that, all things considered, her child would be better off in the daily care of another family, she may create for herself a feeling of moral necessity.

This feeling of moral necessity is why it is so difficult for expectant mothers who have already made the pre-birth decision to place their child for adoption to either listen to the "Been There, Done That" words of birth mothers who have come before them or to change their mind towards parenting once the child is born. (Regarding the latter, pre-birth matches also further confound that issue.)

The final issue that parents have to face in making the decision to place is whether or not adoption is, actually, an optimal outcome. Is it "good?" The truth is that the outcome of adoption is subjective; some adoptees have great experiences while others have the opposite and totally awful experience. Even when it comes to research on the topic, every variation of an outcome can be backed up with some sort of statistic or anecdotal evidence. Gritter warns that while agencies may tout the good that an adoptee can experience in adoption, "birth parents must also realize that the well-being of birthparents is seldom factored into the public discussion." Yes, the child is the most important one involved in the adoption decision, however, the birth parents also have to live with that decision for a lifetime. (Which is why you will find so many vocal birth parents on the internet and elsewhere nowadays. Agencies are not speaking truth about grief and loss and the birth parents are now taking it upon themselves to get the information to the public in hopes of saving others from undue stresses.)

In closing the chapter, Gritter restates that necessity is a proper way to discuss why many birth parents relinquish their children for adoption. It covers those who, due to circumstance, felt that they had no choice and also brings those who were coerced under the umbrella of discussion. (Coercion would definitely qualify as a necessity; what other choice was there?) He also warns that generalization can be hazardous but that many birth parents (in open adoption) will fall under this umbrella of necessity. Their degrees of severity and personal reasonings will vary but it seems to be a "common thread."

On Monday, we'll hit Chapter Six which hits on the controversial topic of birth parent ambivalence, why it happens and what to do about it.

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For more on Lifegivers, read:

1. Beginning a Chapter Review of Lifegivers.

2. Lifegivers: Chapter One.

3. Lifegivers: Chapter Two.

4. Lifegivers: Chapter Three.

5. Lifegivers: Chapter Four.

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Photo Credit: Book cover.