Birth Parents Blog, First Parents Blog - Lifegivers: Chapter Eleven

09/07/07

Lifegivers: Chapter Eleven

Posted by : Jenna Hatfield in Birth-First Parent Blog at 05:00 am , 1357 words, 200 views
Categories: Books

I think many adoptive parents would be interested in reading chapter eleven of Lifegivers: Framing the Birthparent Experience in Open Adoption. Entitled, "Reluctant Birthparents: Foot-Dragging in the Realm of Opportunity," it focuses on those birth parents that don't seem to welcome the idea of a relationship with as much vigor as people would expect. We frequently hear from adoptive parents on the forums, asking as to why their child's first parents don't seem interested in contact. If that's your situation, this chapter was written for you.

Gritter admits to being confused by this reluctance at first. Other birth parents who are fully enmeshed in their child's open adoption don't always understand the reasons behind the shying away. Adoptive parents have issue, personal and for their child, with the lack of consistency. Furthermore, the adopted child can take personal offense at the lack of involvement, perceiving the willing choice to stay uninvolved as a second and willing abandonment whereas they might have accepted the initial placement as a loving or necessary decision.

When it comes down to it, unfortunately, adoptive parents are the ones that first have to answer the child's questions as to why their birth parents have chosen not to be involved. Yet, in the end, the ultimate responsibility to answer those questions falls on the birth parents' heads.

What are the reasons for this reluctance? Well, Gritter assures us that there are many, often interplaying, and most of which seem sincere, if not misguided.

One reason is a continued ambivalence. As we talked about in chapter six, ambivalence follows birth parents through the decision making process and right into the relationship.

Emotionally, continued ambivalence shows itself as regret. Behaviorally, it is revealed in hesitation. Many people, when unsure of themselves, end up doing nothing.

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And it's true. Sometimes not knowing what to do or how to feel can paralyze a person, making it impossible to do anything, even if it is wrong.

Some birth parents avoid contact because of the emotional torture that they perceive interacting with their child brings into their life. Others avoid contact because of their fear of the child's judgment over the decision to place. Still others shy away from the family because they believe the adoptive parents are hanging an "unwelcome" sign on the relationship. Sometimes this assumption is off base while other times, birth parents are observant in the hesitation from the adoptive family. In cases like these, some birth parents will disappear because they think that they are offering a "favor" to the family.

Some birth parents actually avoid a relationship with the family because they are aware that they are not in a stable place and don't want to act impulsively (such as taking the child). Others are emotionally unavailable for a relationship of this nature because of the shame they feel regarding the pregnancy and subsequent placement. Especially for mothers and fathers who have chosen not to tell anyone about their child, continued involvement makes it harder to hide such a thing. Along those lines of shame, some birth parents refuse contact because they feel unworthy of such a thing. They feel as though they do not deserve contact with their child because they have failed him/her in the most basic of ways.

Unfortunately, some birth parents are reluctant to have contact because they do not recognize the personal importance that they have in their child's life. They buy into the old beliefs that they don't have anything to offer once the adoptive parents have taken over care of the child. On the same lines, some first parents are afraid of negatively affecting their child with confusion.

For mothers who have been victims of abuse or rape, contact might be a painful reminder that they simply can't cope with as of yet.

Some birth parents feel that it's just easier and simpler to avoid contact. Others might feel that they chose such great parents that they don't need to have any further contact. For still others, a strong faith in God might lead them to believe that their Lord has His hand over the situation and so they don't need to "meddle."

Sadly, some biological parents allow those around them to dictate how they proceed with a post-placement relationship. Those who are not well-educated about openness give them advice that says, "Move ahead. Forget about it." We know that doesn't happen but, unfortunately, some birth parents aren't able to get out from under the thumb of influence of those that surround them.

Some birth parents are too cynical for continued contact, figuring that the adoptive family will eventually let them down so they "get one up" and walk away first. And, of course, the truth remains that some birth parents are simply disinterested in the children that they placed for adoption. You can't get past that fact.

So, what can be done about these concerns? It's important for birth parents experiencing some of these fears to know that they're not alone in those thoughts and worries.

To some extent, all birthparents have such worries. Even highly effective birthparents who enjoy mature and deeply sastisfying open adoption relationships experience occasional moments of hestitation. Small wonder, then, that less-confident birthparents feel they are not up to the project.

Gritter does have some ideas on how to help birth parents deal with these fears and worries. He says that we first need to make their participation in the open adoption relationship safe, welcoming and normal. Instead of treating continued contact as something exceptional or extraordinary, "we should look at this approach as the most natural and normal way to proceed." Next, since some sort of emotional pain is behind most of the reasons that birth parents may be reluctant to forge ahead with contact, we need to be supportive of their grief. Understanding and empathetic adoptive parents will help in this area. However, courage is also needed by the birth parent to realize that even though it's emotionally draining, the alternatives are worse for all involved. We need to help birth parents figure out how they fit into the specific family unit. This involves a lot of discussion (and patience) by and with the adoptive family. And finally we need to let birth parents know that even though it stinks from time to time, open adoption can be rewarding for all involved.

Gritter goes on to drive home the fact that continued contact really shouldn't be viewed as an "option" for a first parent but an "obligation." He lists the things that he feels birth parents are obligated to give to their placed children via an open relationship: an explanation of the decision to place, an account of the birth story, their genealogy and updated medical information and a continued interest to help ward off feelings of rejection.

So what's a family to do if the birth parent doesn't respond to a willing, loving family that encourages contact? Gritter says that accepting it is basically all you can do. He does offer up the idea of offering less intense forms of contact (having first parents send a letter once per year if that's all they can manage, for example) or having consistent contact with the biological grandparents in lieu of the birth parents. In the end, he says to approach the situation with love, not judgment.

For better that we approach with affirmation, encouragement, and understanding. better that we educate and support. Better that we respectfully tap into their love for their children than to raise doubt about it. We must frame the discussion in fair-minded fashion. Properly understood, the question is never about whether birthparents love their children, it's about the best ways for them to express that love.