After fourteen chapters of in depth review, we've finally finished Lifegivers: Framing the Birthparent Experience in Open Adoption. As I said when we started, this was the second time that I've read through this book. I must say that this second read through was even more informative and helpful in my journey as an open adoption birth mother. I know that some of the reasons behind that include the fact that I was still within the throes of denial during my first read through and, furthermore, I've got some years of experience under my belt that helped me understand some of the advice.

Due to my denial phase and short journey as a birth mother when I first read through the book, I don't think I fully understood the stereotypes that were presented in chapter one. I felt myself nodding, sadly, as he named off each one, debunking it at the same time. I continued nodding through chapter two as he discussed the taboos that follow birth parents on their journey. Then my head fell off of my neck as I nodded it too hard while reading chapter three as Gritter talked about the myths of birth parents as sinners, saints and suppliers and the negative connotations of those myths. Oh, I've been through so many of these issues since I've started to step out of the birth parent closet. On top of that, it's widely "understood" that all birth parents are dysfunctional, which the author again debunks in chapter four. I've been judged and called names. Gritter isn't making this stuff up (at least in my personal experience!).

When he launched into a lengthy discussion about the actual and perceived necessity behind a birth parent's decision to place (chapter five), my jaw hit the floor. I totally did not understand this upon my first reading. I may have shed a tear or two as I came to grips with the fact that a lot of my necessity was more perceived than actual, more internal than external. However, as Gritter reminds his readers, that doesn't mean that it wasn't completely overwhelming or one-hundred percent real for me.

A circumstance that strikes one person as overwhelming may seem minor to another - the difference is often in each individual's interpretation.

That quote sticks with me, even now, as I think back to the chapter. Points like this (should!) make it hard for someone to judge another's decision to place. And yet, that doesn't deter some people, now does it?

Gritter then talked about the ambivalence during the decision to place in chapter six. While I'm well past the decision making process, I was able to remember, with clarity, the mental ups and downs of that time in my life. Furthermore, learning that those doubts were normal was more support than I was afforded during the process itself.

Gritter followed with two hard chapters: grief (chapter seven) and regret (chapter eight, which I covered in two parts). I felt extremely validated by the chapter on grief. My feelings are normal and reading this only further validated those feelings. However, chapter eight was a doozy. While Gritter worked hard to drive home the fact that regret does not have to be overtly negative, it still feels negative at times! A long chapter in itself, I was challenged to look at my own regret and dig deeper into the roots and my personal reactions.

The author must have known that chapter eight would be a hard pill to swallow for a lot of people because chapter nine was a morale booster as he talked about the importance of birth parents in open adoption. He brought up a term that most are not familiar with, affirmation parenting, and discussed how birth parents share that role with adoptive parents (as opposed to the exclusive roles of lifegiving and caregiving, appropriately). It's nice to be given a term for what I "do" for the Munchkin! It was good to see that my goals of consistent, loving contact were in line with that form of "parenting."

As pleasing as that chapter was, chapter ten was somewhat frustrating. I like definitions. I like having a defined role in life. Knowing that there is no absolute role for birth parents to fill is discouraging to me. I know that Gritter didn't mean to bring me down but, quite frankly, I'd like a role. I always tend to do above and beyond what my role (speaking in non-adoption life) calls for me to do and, no doubt, I would do the same in adoption. But a more clearly defined role would really help me (and I would suppose a lot of others as well).

While I'm not a particularly reluctant birth parent, chapter eleven's discussion on reluctant birth parents was enlightening for me. I know a few reluctant birth parents, scared to continue or keep consistent contact with their child's adoptive family for various reasons. Reading the reasons as to why things like that might happen gave me a better insight as to what my friends might be experiencing on any number of emotional levels. I now have more empathy for their plight and might have a thing or two to suggest to them should we discuss the topic again.

Then Gritter hit us with chapter twelve: a look at optimal birth parenting. I think I'm a pretty good first mother to the Munchkin. But dang if this chapter didn't make me question some of the things I do or neglect to do! Rather than discourage people, the author hoped that this chapter would challenge birth parents to take those extra steps with their child and the family. Still, it was a lot of challenges, all at once and I know more than one birth parent who felt that this chapter was convicting. Then again, if there weren't birth parents in the world that needed challenged, the chapter wouldn't have been written. I know that I will personally be working on a few things in the not-so-distant future.

Personally, chapter thirteen was my favorite! Nothing like telling agencies and professionals what they're doing wrong and offering legitimate suggestions for improvement! Again, my head was nodding, over and over, as Gritter continued to point out everything wrong (well, not everything, but quite a few things!) with our current (open adoption) system. I felt myself thinking, "Oh, yes! I got screwed by that one, TOO! Oh, and that one! Oh! Oh!" Validating and empowering the call to action made me want to tack the list of suggestions to the front door of every agency in our country. A modern day Martin Luther for adoption instead of the church. Then again, they're not my own ideas but, still, it couldn't hurt, right?

In the last chapter of the book (fourteen), Gritter lets readers know that birth parents are pretty much regular people doing the best they can in difficult circumstances (who are) of great and never-ending interest to their child. I don't think much else has to be said on that one, do you?

I learned a great deal by reading this book again. While I previously had it on my list as a Must Read for those involved in open adoption, I now have it on my OMGYOUHAVETOREADTHIS list. I want to buy copies for every family that I see talking about problems within their open adoption relationship, for families considering adopting and for mothers considering placement. Gritter hits on some hard topics without reservation or apology. I wish, deeply, that I would have read this book prior to placement. I think it's that important. The pages have a lot of information for families to learn from; practical advice that could easily be applied to any open adoption relationship.

If you don't have the book, buy it. (Or check your local library!) If you know of a family that needs some help, buy it for them (or send them your copy).

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Photo Credit: Book cover.