November 8th, 2012
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Categories: Uncategorized

flower faceLately I have been struggling for the connection to the content of my heart, but as I laid in bed this evening it came to me. Inspired by a song by artist Kerli , “Beautiful day” I laid there and listened.

The writer in me jumped into high gear as my muse returned from whatever cold land she returned from.

How long had I been holding this wonderful feeling from myself?

The revelation struck my heart with joy; Life is a miracle.

As I revisited memories earlier this week, I was looking for the familiar pain to arise but the same grief I always seemed to write from wasn’t there. I personally consider that to be a huge milestone for me, and am grateful to God for the healing he is doing in me.

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Life truly is a miracle. One little budding of cells changes the hormones and senses of a single woman. Her body aches, and she grows and sometimes even glows. I hated being pregnant in the beginning, but mainly for the uncertainty. My heart was torn in so many pieces and I felt so worthless and unwanted, yet within me, a child grew, cushioned and protected from the darker intents of my heart.

I languished in my pain instead of the miracle occurring inside of my whale like body. I embraced the fear instead of the joy. It was one of the hardest things in my life, letting my bio son go. Phoenix not only grew in my womb but in my heart. It took 9 long months for me to come to terms with the fact that this was really happening, and that I could do the hardest thing a mother could do.

I let go. The feelings I felt were a journey to themselves, as they reformed me, and everything I believed about who I was and who I wanted to become.

Today I felt anger creeping in, indignation, and doubt…and as I lay staring at the ceiling, it hit me between the eyes that because of the miracle of life, a family was made whole, even when my own was being torn asunder. When I chose life I chose to see the sky again.

In the hospital room, our time as mother and son was growing painfully short. That cold January day as I stood looking out the window I saw the brightest, most vibrant colors of blue. For the first time in months I saw the sky again, beautiful as the love I held cradled in my arms.

I do not regret my decision to place him for adoption and I thank God for the love that he brought back to my heart for my God, family, and friends. I can honestly say that today, I feel I am a different and better person.

I am alive and healing, and I feel alive. Life  is not always pleasant but in this moment of perfect clarity and hopeful outlook, I thank the Lord for his transforming power in my life, and the gift of life and miracle my son is.

Grief can hold you back and keep you captive or you can move forward, and in the moments you feel the sorrow creeping in, you feel it. You embrace it and let it go. You tell it the truth–that yes it hurts but it was worth the cost and you are stronger and braver, and better because you chose life. I wouldn’t change a thing in my adoption journey for one moment.

Why?

Without Phoenix I wouldn’t be who I am today.

Life is so many things, hard and trying, exciting, hurtful, loving…and life truly is a miracle.

I am really looking forward to tomorrow, with this hope renewed once more. One day at a time, one step in front of the other, I want to see the good in the world around me.

So live today, because Life truly is beautiful and a miracle to behold, if one only takes hold.

As American writer Charles Swindoll once said “We are all faced with a series of great opportunities brilliantly disguised as impossible situations”.

Impossible is only a challenge, after all.

Hang in there, and much love to all my readers.

~Nellie

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