The Munchkin was just around four months when we had our first visit. Josh and I drove to J & D's home, getting lost as we tried to find their street and house. I remember walking in the front door and seeing the Munchkin, for the first time since I had left the hospital, taking a nap on her playmat on the floor. I remember kneeling down before her, very quietly, amazed by her growth in size and beauty. Picking her up for the first time in four months was another moment of strange and wonderful emotions. My heart swelled with love and pride for this child who wasn't mine but was all at the same time. She wasn't awkward with me and I almost knew how to hold her with my hands. Though, I always knew how to hold her in my heart. This picture was taken less than an hour after arriving.

For our first visit, we stayed in a hotel because we didn't know how it would be, emotionally or space wise, for all of us to be in the same place at the same time. Personally, I found this to be a piece of saving grace for this first visit. Frankly, I would have been fine, sitting next to the Munchkin and staring at her for three straight days. Yet being able to return to a hotel room and process the wide range of emotions was something that benefited us all. Josh was able to talk to me about his emotions as I was with him. We were able to get actual sleep which is necessary in not being a Zombie.

Our first visit was also Josh's first time to meet the Munchkin, which I showed you a picture of the other day. I will tell you Josh's story someday but for right now know that it was a very healing thing for Josh to meet the Munchkin, face to face.

The visit was filled with a bunch of other things. We went bowling. If you've been bowling before, you know that the inevitable result of bowling is laughter. Due to the other heavy things that laid around our hearts, laughter was a welcome event! Obviously, the Munchkin couldn't bowl. We took turns holding her while the rest of us stunk up the bowling alley.

They had a birthday cake for me on our second day (though my birthday was the third day). They didn't have to have a birthday cake for me. But they did. They sang Happy Birthday to me. I held the Munchkin as I blew out twenty-three candles on my cake. Okay, it was more like six but you get the point. For me, holding the Munchkin as I blew out the candles on my cake was something so profoundly amazing. It was something I was told that would never happen. "Giving up" my daughter meant that she would never be involved in my "big" life events, birthday parties or anything like that and, yet, there I was, blowing out the candles on my cake, holding my daughter. It was the best birthday present I could have received that first year of her life.

We also had "family" pictures taken on the second day. I showed you one recently but this is another favorite. It's all of us. Together. We came together in one portrait for that beautiful little girl. Some have asked why Josh is in the picture when he isn't her biological father. Josh is an amazing man and had I parented the Munchkin, he would have been her everyday, day-to-day Dad. He loves her just the same as if she was part of our everyday, day-to-day family. He is part of our weird, wonderful open adoption extended family. The portrait session itself was a bit hard for me but I am so glad that we captured this visit in this fashion.

The last day was difficult for me on an emotional level. It was my birthday. Exactly a year prior, I had arrived at my best friend's dorm room, scared and alone. Exactly one year prior, I had told my parents of my pregnancy. Exactly one year prior, I had been only sure that life was something that I was going to give my child. I had no idea of anything that I could or would do in the coming year. All I knew was that I was pregnant and I was going to have a Munchkin.

Munchkin was exhausted by the last day. Well, we all were! Emotionally and physically, we had a very busy three days together. Josh and I packed up everything in our hotel and went to J & D's house to hang out before our long drive home. We took pictures. We played with the Munchkin. A sense of sadness enveloped that last day, knowing that our time together had come to an end. As we drove away that afternoon, I cried for awhile. (And then slept for a majority of the drive home!!) I learned on that very first trip that while it's hard to say goodbye to your baby in the hospital, it doesn't get any easier with visits. Leaving is still leaving. It hurts and it feels unnatural.

When we returned home from our visit, I called D and asked her to be a bridesmaid in my wedding. In all, it was a beneficial trip for all involved. J, D, Josh and I got to know each other on a deeper level. (We even went out as adults one evening while D's parents watched the Munchkin.) I got to see that the Munchkin was happy and healthy, two very important things to any birthmother. A slew of pictures were taken to help aid the memory process.

Looking back, I don't know if I would have done anything different with that first visit. We had enough "stuff" planned so that awkward silences didn't have time to creep in and ruin anyone's day. We had enough "hang out time" planned so that we could just sit and play with the baby which is important to any kind of parent. Staying in the hotel helped Josh and I deal with things on our end, as I'm sure it helped J & D deal with things on their end as well.

I have a good feeling and good memories from that first visit. I keep them with me always.