Starting on Monday morning, I'm doing a two-post look at the regret that birth parents experience based on Chapter Eight of James L. Gritter's book Lifegivers: Framing the Birthparent Experience in Open Adoption. In addition to the two posts about the book itself, I'm planning on writing about birth parents personal experiences with the big, bad "R" word.

Regret scares a lot of people and not just in relation to adoption. Regret is often associated with a negative vibe that should be avoided at all costs. Therefore, we often either deny that it exists by saying that we don't have any regrets or put others down who admit to having some regrets in their lives, stating that they should live for today, not dwell on the past. Quite frankly, that doesn't do anything to help anyone through their regret issues.

Dictionary.com defines regret as:

–verb (used with object)
1. to feel sorrow or remorse for (an act, fault, disappointment, etc.): He no sooner spoke than he regretted it.
2. to think of with a sense of loss: to regret one's vanished youth.
–noun
3. a sense of loss, disappointment, dissatisfaction, etc.
4. a feeling of sorrow or remorse for a fault, act, loss, disappointment, etc

If you've ever felt a twinge of sadness that your child wasn't present, you've got some regret. If you think of your child and feel a smidgen of loss, of emptiness, you've got some regret. Of course, I'll be talking more about these feelings and how they don't have to be overtly negative (and can be tied to hope, even!) on Monday and Tuesday. However, I'd really like to hear some personal stories about regret in the meantime to both help me get in the right frame of mind and to further help our readers understand the complexities of birth parent regret.

Please feel free to leave a comment on this post or to visit the forum discussion that I've started and leave answers to some prompted questions I have asked. Or, even better for the blogosphere at large, make a post on your own blog about the issues surrounding birth parent regret. Tell us about your experiences. (Please e-mail me or drop me a comment if you do such a thing as our pingback service doesn't allow me to know when you've linked me. I want to find your words. I want others to find your words and learn from your experiences!) E-mails to me are also perfectly acceptable. I'd like to hear from people before Monday but, as it is a two part series, Tuesday morning is also okay by me!

Since this is a heavy topic, often fraught with debate over what is "acceptable" or not, I will demand that all comments be respectful towards others who feel a need to share as well as the general idea that regret is an okay thing to talk about in this type of forum. In short: no bashing.

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For more, read:

1. It is Okay to Be Happy?

2. Quit Whining and Crying.

3. Open Adoption: Is It Always Happy?.

4. Or join in the forum discussion: Birth Parent Regret.

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