Last year, as in the eve of the year 2006, the New Year's Eve celebration at our home was tense at best. It involved J, D, the Munchkin and the newborn JD sitting in the living room with me, Josh and the newborn Nicholas. Eventually, Nick was coerced to sleep. The Munchkin didn't quite make it until midnight, falling asleep on one of us. The adults were awake but caught off guard by Dick Clark.

And emotions.

Nicholas was a month and a half old and JD was sixteen days older than that, turning two months old as the new year rang in. Needless to say, both sets of adults were feeling the general sleep deprived exhaustion that comes with newborns. Yet, I was going through some other things that were overwhelming and totally new. I also didn't have a clue how to explain this to J or D and thus things went poorly.

During my pregnancy with the Munchkin, I was told, over and over again, how I didn't have enough to offer her, that I would be cheating her out of so "much" if I elected to parent my child. What people didn't tell me was that this "much" didn't amount to a lot when it comes to the needs of a newborn. In parenting the newborn Nicholas, alone for the first four days home due to the flu my Husband caught in the hospital, I found out that newborns need food, dry diapers and the love of a caring parent. I was suddenly overwhelmed with the knowledge that I could have parented the Munchkin, very well, and I didn't know how to process that information. (Remember, my therapist didn't enter my life until February 2006.)

Beyond that sudden recognition of what parenting entails, seeing my two children, in the same room, was something that I was not emotionally prepared for in the least. I didn't expect it to make me lose my breath or for my heart to drop through my stomach, but it did. Occasionally, even now, if they do something absurdly cute together, I feel the same physical and emotional feelings. But at that time, it was a constant three day feeling that left me feeling physically beat up and emotionally chastized. "Look! Here's your two kids together! But not really!" It felt like a cruel joke at the time.

Due to the fact that this was before I had found my therapist, I didn't have any really great coping skills and just shut down emotionally. (I still do this from time to time as a protective measure.) This is normally an okay thing as my Husband knows what to do with me when I get this way, but when you're a hostess, shutting down emotionally and being unable to listen or talk doesn't exactly prove for a great time had by all. J and D were uncomfortable only because they had absolutely no idea what I was going through and I wasn't opening up to tell them. (Remember! The key to open adoptions is open and honest communication! I failed this test.)

We ended up having a test of our communication skills and commitment to openness in the month or so after this visit. Obviously, we passed but it took some not-so-beautiful honesty from both D and I to get to a point where we could understand the other and begin to move forward again. As I've said, just like any other relationship, open adoptions have their issues that need to be dealt with and, thankfully, we were able to manuever our way through this trial.

We've come a long way in the past year, growing closer as a family. I now understand and accept certain things that were impossible for my mind to process at the time. This is not to say that I still don't feel pangs of regret and sadness each time Nicholas hits a new milestone (or the Munchkin for that matter) and I realize everything I lost in not parenting her. Yet I know now how to process those things and what to do if such emotional tidal waves wash over me during a visit.

Last year wasn't fun but it was the catalyst that drove me to take the steps to find my therapist. So, even though it wasn't a good time for any of the attendees, I can chalk it up to a learning experience and not hold ill feelings over myself for how I screwed it up. Royally. It was just a part of my adoption journey, I suppose.

And this year? I went to bed, without a Husband or any kids, at eleven o'clock on New Year's Eve. I live a crazy, wild life, I tell you!