Comments on: Judge’s Ruling: Don’t Lie http://birthparents.adoptionblogs.com/weblogs/judge-s-ruling-don-t-lie A blog for and about parents who have placed a child for adoption. Tue, 17 Nov 2009 16:02:45 -0700 http://wordpress.org/?v=2.8.4 hourly 1 By: bunnygirl http://birthparents.adoptionblogs.com/weblogs/judge-s-ruling-don-t-lie/comment-page-1#comment-644 bunnygirl Sun, 17 Feb 2008 01:22:11 +0000 http://birth-first.www.adoptionblogs.com/2008/02/15/judge-s-ruling-don-t-lie#comment-644 Yikes. I feel sorry for everyone involved. As a PAP I have to admit that the main reason my husband & I chose to go with international adoption was because we were terrified of the "birthmother/father changing their minds and taking the baby away" scenario. Also, we knew that although we wanted an infant I, at least, did not want a newborn (I'd lost a son at term, during labor, a couple of years before we'd started seriously exploring adoption and I had a lot of fears about SIDs, despite how rare everyone says it is).<br /> <br /> That said, when we did make the decision to to adopt we also made the decision to stop the fertility treatments. We just couldn't focus on starting a life with our future adopted baby while also focusing on starting a life with a potential bio baby. It just didn't seem right to us, for a whole bunch of reasons -- not least of which was how our adopted child would feel knowing that we kept trying, desperately, for a bio baby even while we were bringing him/her into our lives. <br /> <br /> My heart goes out to the adoptive parents, BUT, they went into this with their eyes open. It seems to me that on some level the adoption was their "backup" in case there was another miscarriage and since they knew, without a doubt, that this went against the birthmother's wishes and their contract with the agency, they really have no one to blame but themselves. I know that's harsh, but, when you're adopting a child, THAT child and everything he or she needs or has been promised is what you have to concentrate on. Yikes. I feel sorry for everyone involved. As a PAP I have to admit that the main reason my husband & I chose to go with international adoption was because we were terrified of the “birthmother/father changing their minds and taking the baby away” scenario. Also, we knew that although we wanted an infant I, at least, did not want a newborn (I’d lost a son at term, during labor, a couple of years before we’d started seriously exploring adoption and I had a lot of fears about SIDs, despite how rare everyone says it is).

That said, when we did make the decision to to adopt we also made the decision to stop the fertility treatments. We just couldn’t focus on starting a life with our future adopted baby while also focusing on starting a life with a potential bio baby. It just didn’t seem right to us, for a whole bunch of reasons — not least of which was how our adopted child would feel knowing that we kept trying, desperately, for a bio baby even while we were bringing him/her into our lives.

My heart goes out to the adoptive parents, BUT, they went into this with their eyes open. It seems to me that on some level the adoption was their “backup” in case there was another miscarriage and since they knew, without a doubt, that this went against the birthmother’s wishes and their contract with the agency, they really have no one to blame but themselves. I know that’s harsh, but, when you’re adopting a child, THAT child and everything he or she needs or has been promised is what you have to concentrate on.

]]> By: happygmom http://birthparents.adoptionblogs.com/weblogs/judge-s-ruling-don-t-lie/comment-page-1#comment-643 happygmom Sat, 16 Feb 2008 01:18:06 +0000 http://birth-first.www.adoptionblogs.com/2008/02/15/judge-s-ruling-don-t-lie#comment-643 If I were a first mother who had entrusted my precious infant to be instructed and guided by people who think it is moral to lie to get whatever they want, I would be beyond consolation from fear and grief about what kind of situation I had placed my child into. I rejoice that this child is being removed from people who are morally unfit to have someone’s child entrusted to their “care”. Sometimes the courts do protect children! If I were a first mother who had entrusted my precious infant to be instructed and guided by people who think it is moral to lie to get whatever they want, I would be beyond consolation from fear and grief about what kind of situation I had placed my child into. I rejoice that this child is being removed from people who are morally unfit to have someone’s child entrusted to their “care”. Sometimes the courts do protect children!

]]> By: Jenna Hatfield http://birthparents.adoptionblogs.com/weblogs/judge-s-ruling-don-t-lie/comment-page-1#comment-642 Jenna Hatfield Fri, 15 Feb 2008 19:38:12 +0000 http://birth-first.www.adoptionblogs.com/2008/02/15/judge-s-ruling-don-t-lie#comment-642 Again, perhaps I'm just more optimistic than most. I prefer to believe that people will remember that this was not a case of the birth mother "changing her mind." This was a case of a family blatantly bending the rules in their favor to get a child at any cost. They were called on it not by the birth mother but by the agency. <br /> <br /> People want to believe that the birth mothers are the evil ones in situations like these. I believe that this story has the ability to show that it's not just one-sided "evil." <br /> <br /> I'm sure you're right in some ways. But my optimistic nature gives me hope for the future. Again, perhaps I’m just more optimistic than most. I prefer to believe that people will remember that this was not a case of the birth mother “changing her mind.” This was a case of a family blatantly bending the rules in their favor to get a child at any cost. They were called on it not by the birth mother but by the agency.

People want to believe that the birth mothers are the evil ones in situations like these. I believe that this story has the ability to show that it’s not just one-sided “evil.”

I’m sure you’re right in some ways. But my optimistic nature gives me hope for the future.

]]> By: John http://birthparents.adoptionblogs.com/weblogs/judge-s-ruling-don-t-lie/comment-page-1#comment-641 John Fri, 15 Feb 2008 19:34:03 +0000 http://birth-first.www.adoptionblogs.com/2008/02/15/judge-s-ruling-don-t-lie#comment-641 Mama S, I think you hit the nail on the head. Rightly, or wrongly, there is a perception that birthparents are now so powerful that in some cases they can overturn an adoption if they are determined enough. This case is simple fraud, with no extenuating circumstances, which has always been a basis to undo an adoption. <br /> <br /> The problem is the number of adoption stories in the news over the last few years focuing on adoptive parents losing in court. Couple that with the new standard for infant adoption being a requirement that an open adoption agreement be included, and it is not hard to see where there could be real doubt about the status of adoption. International adoption does avoid thoses issues. <br /> <br /> Somehow the word needs to get out that adoption is alive and well. Birthmothers do not benefit if the number of families to choose from drops. It isn't about giving up power, but about correcting misconceptions. John Mama S, I think you hit the nail on the head. Rightly, or wrongly, there is a perception that birthparents are now so powerful that in some cases they can overturn an adoption if they are determined enough. This case is simple fraud, with no extenuating circumstances, which has always been a basis to undo an adoption.

The problem is the number of adoption stories in the news over the last few years focuing on adoptive parents losing in court. Couple that with the new standard for infant adoption being a requirement that an open adoption agreement be included, and it is not hard to see where there could be real doubt about the status of adoption. International adoption does avoid thoses issues.

Somehow the word needs to get out that adoption is alive and well. Birthmothers do not benefit if the number of families to choose from drops. It isn’t about giving up power, but about correcting misconceptions. John

]]> By: MamaS http://birthparents.adoptionblogs.com/weblogs/judge-s-ruling-don-t-lie/comment-page-1#comment-640 MamaS Fri, 15 Feb 2008 18:14:48 +0000 http://birth-first.www.adoptionblogs.com/2008/02/15/judge-s-ruling-don-t-lie#comment-640 This case will also have one other (unintended) side effect. Since it gained national attention (and will probably be a Lifetime Movie of the Week) there will be a great many prospective adoptive parents who will go international because this case is further "proof" that "birth parents can come back and take your baby away!" The details will blur, and be lost but the story will be told and retold by friends and relatives to warn potential adoptive parents away from domestic adoptions. For that, I am sorry. This case will also have one other (unintended) side effect. Since it gained national attention (and will probably be a Lifetime Movie of the Week) there will be a great many prospective adoptive parents who will go international because this case is further “proof” that “birth parents can come back and take your baby away!” The details will blur, and be lost but the story will be told and retold by friends and relatives to warn potential adoptive parents away from domestic adoptions. For that, I am sorry.

]]> By: Coley S. http://birthparents.adoptionblogs.com/weblogs/judge-s-ruling-don-t-lie/comment-page-1#comment-639 Coley S. Fri, 15 Feb 2008 17:42:43 +0000 http://birth-first.www.adoptionblogs.com/2008/02/15/judge-s-ruling-don-t-lie#comment-639 Thank you for updating us! I searched yesterday to see if the judge had made a decision yet - you saved me searching again. Thank you for updating us! I searched yesterday to see if the judge had made a decision yet – you saved me searching again.

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