Comments on: When to Use the Term “Birthmother” http://birthparents.adoptionblogs.com/weblogs/it-s-not-over-till-the-fat-lady-sings A blog for and about parents who have placed a child for adoption. Tue, 17 Nov 2009 16:02:45 -0700 http://wordpress.org/?v=2.8.4 hourly 1 By: Daniella Ashburn http://birthparents.adoptionblogs.com/weblogs/it-s-not-over-till-the-fat-lady-sings/comment-page-1#comment-1299 Daniella Ashburn Mon, 27 Aug 2007 05:46:39 +0000 http://birth-first.www.adoptionblogs.com/2007/04/11/it-s-not-over-till-the-fat-lady-sings#comment-1299 Dear Petebelle,<br /> <br /> I think we are digressing from what I meant to address in my initial response but I'm happy to reply to your post.<br /> Let me start by saying I too am as "normal as they come" in the mother category, but I - personally-would be dishonest if I did not admit to having felt, initially, somewhat envious and different from my friends how never had to contemplate all these difficult and different adoption issues.<br /> I think it is great that you and your husband have chosen to build a family through adoption and I understand what you are saying. And while many adoptions are infant adoptions, where the birthparents actually made a conscious choice , an adoption plan, to give their child what they realized they could not. And as adoptions go , these kind of adoptions are what most of us hope for, informed decissions and voluntary reliquishments, and possibly some degree of post adoption contact. But , many adoptions do not happen that way. What if your child was taken away from his/her mother because of abuse, neglect and or other circumstances that made it impossible and dangerous to leave the child with the birth mother? What if she already had 7 children, all of them taken away at one point or an other? I find it hard to conjure up the image of a "special person" and God's grace in any of this. I will never speak ill of my son's birth parents but I will also not lie about the involuntary nature of his adoptive placement.<br /> At heart , I truely believe"each to their own" but I also know that children are very literal and by refering to my son's birth parents as his "first parents", I fear I would be creating more confusion than clarity. <br /> <br /> I wish you all of God's grace good will to grant you another wonderful and fulfilling adoption experience.<br /> <br /> RSM2004<br /> <br /> Dear Petebelle,

I think we are digressing from what I meant to address in my initial response but I’m happy to reply to your post.
Let me start by saying I too am as “normal as they come” in the mother category, but I – personally-would be dishonest if I did not admit to having felt, initially, somewhat envious and different from my friends how never had to contemplate all these difficult and different adoption issues.
I think it is great that you and your husband have chosen to build a family through adoption and I understand what you are saying. And while many adoptions are infant adoptions, where the birthparents actually made a conscious choice , an adoption plan, to give their child what they realized they could not. And as adoptions go , these kind of adoptions are what most of us hope for, informed decissions and voluntary reliquishments, and possibly some degree of post adoption contact. But , many adoptions do not happen that way. What if your child was taken away from his/her mother because of abuse, neglect and or other circumstances that made it impossible and dangerous to leave the child with the birth mother? What if she already had 7 children, all of them taken away at one point or an other? I find it hard to conjure up the image of a “special person” and God’s grace in any of this. I will never speak ill of my son’s birth parents but I will also not lie about the involuntary nature of his adoptive placement.
At heart , I truely believe”each to their own” but I also know that children are very literal and by refering to my son’s birth parents as his “first parents”, I fear I would be creating more confusion than clarity.

I wish you all of God’s grace good will to grant you another wonderful and fulfilling adoption experience.

RSM2004

]]> By: petebelle http://birthparents.adoptionblogs.com/weblogs/it-s-not-over-till-the-fat-lady-sings/comment-page-1#comment-1298 petebelle Mon, 20 Aug 2007 18:37:23 +0000 http://birth-first.www.adoptionblogs.com/2007/04/11/it-s-not-over-till-the-fat-lady-sings#comment-1298 I disagree with rms2004. While it may be true that some people do not want to be in the situation where they have no choice but to form a family through adoption, not all adoptive parents feel that way. I am very proud to be an adoptive mother. I could (through some very extensive medical intervention) probably carry a child and give birth, but we have chosen to build a family through adoption and cannot have been more blessed. My daughter may not carry my genes but I am a very "normal" mother. We came to know a very special person through the grace of God and she gave us the greatest gift of all, a Child. I can only pray that we will be so lucky as to find another equally special person to bless us with a second child. I do not feel "second rate" at the thought of calling that person my daughter's first mother because that is exactly who she is no one can take that away from her. I disagree with rms2004. While it may be true that some people do not want to be in the situation where they have no choice but to form a family through adoption, not all adoptive parents feel that way. I am very proud to be an adoptive mother. I could (through some very extensive medical intervention) probably carry a child and give birth, but we have chosen to build a family through adoption and cannot have been more blessed. My daughter may not carry my genes but I am a very “normal” mother. We came to know a very special person through the grace of God and she gave us the greatest gift of all, a Child. I can only pray that we will be so lucky as to find another equally special person to bless us with a second child. I do not feel “second rate” at the thought of calling that person my daughter’s first mother because that is exactly who she is no one can take that away from her.

]]> By: rsm2004 http://birthparents.adoptionblogs.com/weblogs/it-s-not-over-till-the-fat-lady-sings/comment-page-1#comment-1297 rsm2004 Fri, 22 Jun 2007 21:35:47 +0000 http://birth-first.www.adoptionblogs.com/2007/04/11/it-s-not-over-till-the-fat-lady-sings#comment-1297 With all due resect, a birthparent is what you will be after you reliquish your child.I agreed you should not lable anyone before the fact, but in order to be clear as to what the goal of the Adoption.com and similar web information is , I cannot say I can think of a more appropriate name. As an Adoptive Mom, I personally cring at the First Parent label.As if I did not feel " second rate" enough, at the beginning of the process.But I digress:- You clearly are an articulate person but not everyone is so insightful as to the particular semantics of the prefix- "Birth" . <br /> Being labled an Adoptive Mom,is not exactely warm and fuzzy in the beginning either. Most of us are very reluctant to be chalked up to that category when we start looking for our alternatives. An as for me personally : I envy birth parents because I will never have that label.Let's be honest,neither category- Birth or Adoptive mothers/fathers in their heart of hearts want to "be here"- having to find solutions to a difficult situation.In most cases, before we Adoptive moms become Adoptive moms we had dreams of giving birth, of passing on our genes and "be normal", to experience what every other woman in the world seems to have a natural right to...We all just want to be referred to as Mothers-- With all due resect, a birthparent is what you will be after you reliquish your child.I agreed you should not lable anyone before the fact, but in order to be clear as to what the goal of the Adoption.com and similar web information is , I cannot say I can think of a more appropriate name. As an Adoptive Mom, I personally cring at the First Parent label.As if I did not feel ” second rate” enough, at the beginning of the process.But I digress:- You clearly are an articulate person but not everyone is so insightful as to the particular semantics of the prefix- “Birth” .
Being labled an Adoptive Mom,is not exactely warm and fuzzy in the beginning either. Most of us are very reluctant to be chalked up to that category when we start looking for our alternatives. An as for me personally : I envy birth parents because I will never have that label.Let’s be honest,neither category- Birth or Adoptive mothers/fathers in their heart of hearts want to “be here”- having to find solutions to a difficult situation.In most cases, before we Adoptive moms become Adoptive moms we had dreams of giving birth, of passing on our genes and “be normal”, to experience what every other woman in the world seems to have a natural right to…We all just want to be referred to as Mothers–

]]> By: dw5 http://birthparents.adoptionblogs.com/weblogs/it-s-not-over-till-the-fat-lady-sings/comment-page-1#comment-1296 dw5 Mon, 16 Apr 2007 18:28:11 +0000 http://birth-first.www.adoptionblogs.com/2007/04/11/it-s-not-over-till-the-fat-lady-sings#comment-1296 I have read a lot about this on this forum as well as other blogs on the internet. I am surprised that Adoption.com has not made any moves to change their forum categories so that when pregnant women come here looking for support and advice regarding a possible adoption, they don't have to click on a forum entitled "Birthparents" to get to the unplanned pregnancy support forum. I guess it's not just the adoption social workers using the wrong terminology! I have read a lot about this on this forum as well as other blogs on the internet. I am surprised that Adoption.com has not made any moves to change their forum categories so that when pregnant women come here looking for support and advice regarding a possible adoption, they don’t have to click on a forum entitled “Birthparents” to get to the unplanned pregnancy support forum. I guess it’s not just the adoption social workers using the wrong terminology!

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