A recent mention of this subject recently set the gears in my brain rolling too. For birthmothers, there is sometimes an element of almost needing to be unhappy. It is almost as if we feel that being happy would dishonor the child that we lost, as though they did not matter.

Can or will our children accept and/or understand how we could be happy at times without them? Or, must we pay penance forever to prove how much we love our children? In early reunion, I felt tremendous guilt for awhile for having neatly filed away my love for and thoughts about my son.

Many birth mothers in closed adoptions have told me that they never stopped thinking about their children one single day. Some searched for years and spent time and money to find their children. A few knew from day one that someday that they would be with their children again. Others like me buried it all as much as they could.


After much soul searching, I reached some important conclusions:

My son had no need for me to stay miserable. In fact, he wanted me to be happy. Although, I think it is important that he know that I care about him, and never forgot him, he doesn’t want to feel responsible for my unhappiness. Most children would not want that burden.

Remaining sad and dreary was not fair to my husband or my other children and grandchildren. It might damage my relationships with them, and make me a drag to be around. It was not fair to them for me to stay stuck in my misery.

As my son continues to know me in the years to follow, I want him to see a strong, resilient and fun-loving person. That is who I am. Remaining in the wounded victim mode forever is not the legacy that I want to leave for him or anyone else.

Moments of sadness, small and large will continue to surface at will. However, I can be happy much of the time, wounded and regretful at times, but enjoying my life. No one in my life deserves anything less than the best of me – and that is what I intend to offer them.

Although I could go on with my life without such active involvement in adoption-related matters, I would not feel good about doing that. I need to keep working and remembering. I want to leave a better legacy for young women who might follow in my footsteps, or might decide instead to parent instead of becoming a birth mother.

It IS okay to be happy. In fact, that is what life is for - to enjoy! Birth mothers need to know that it is okay to be happy.

Further Reading:

Birth Mother Guilt


Tough by Craig Morgan

Birth Mother Peace - At Long Last

Photo by Jan Baker 2007