Some birth parents may want to do more than invite their child and the family to their wedding. It is not uncommon nowadays for birth parents to ask the child to be a ring bearer or flower girl or either/both parents to stand up with them as they say their vows. Or both scenarios! While this is something we didn't see or think of in the closed era, the relationships that are being formed by open adoptions make this not only possible but increasingly popular. (Not common place, but more popular!)

How do you go about the asking process? How do you properly include them in your wedding? What do you do if they decline? How do you handle questions on your wedding day? The list of questions that birth parents may have concerning this topic could go on for pages and pages. While answers vary from situation to situation, some basic rules and guides can help get through the situation, the aftermath and the hopeful joy.

First and foremost, if you want to involve your child, her parents or both, asking is the first step. While you may have had no trepidation in asking your matron of honor or best man to be involved in your wedding, no doubt that emotions are a smidgen on edge when it comes to asking this particular person or group of people. Depending on your relationship, it may be a stretch of the imagination or it may be something expected. Either way, birth parents go into the conversation with hope and fear. My only advice is to ask them just like you have asked the other people involved in your wedding party.

Be prepared for the "no." As in my previous post when I wrote about simply inviting them to the wedding, there may be a list of reasons why they cannot be involved, ranging from prior engagements to distance of travel. In addition to those reasons, you must realize that asking someone to be involved in your wedding involves expenditures for them over what your normal invitees are expected to incur (which would be travel and lodging). To be involved in the wedding, they will be spending money on wedding attire which can be out of reach during difficult financial times. Also, as the everyday parents of the child, they will be the best judges of whether or not the child is emotionally and developmentally ready to walk down an aisle in a room full of strangers and stand still for the length of a wedding ceremony (which can range from fifteen minutes to two hours!). While it is acceptable to ask for a reason as to why they cannot participate, make sure that your question is posed in a polite and respectful manner. Make sure that they understand that their presence is still greatly wanted even if they cannot participate in the wedding itself. (Some parents have felt guilt for not participating and thus declined to attend the wedding at all.)

And if they say yes? Great! Your job will be to treat them like the rest of your wedding party. (Hopefully you are not a Bride- or Groom-zilla.) Keep them up-to-date with information concerning plans, especially when it comes to money that they will have to be spending. (Attire, getting womens' hair done with the rest of the bridesmaids, lodging, etc.) If you have a daughter that will be participating as a flower girl, I urge you to let go of the reigns just a tiny bit. While every bride has the right to make people in the party wear whatever she wants them to wear, many parents (even if they aren't connected by this triad relationship) have complained in the past about the price and or design of their child's gown. See if you can discuss what would best fit your daughter with her Mom and ask what price range she was hoping to spend. As the everday Mom, she will know whether her daughter will trip while walking in a floor length gown, run through a puddle with a small train on the back or scratch her head all day if she has to wear a mini-veil. Use this knowledge to your utmost advantage.

Much like I advised when the family was simply an invitee, prepare the rest of your wedding party for the presence of the adoptive family. If they already know one another, it won't be an issue. If they don't, explaining your connection will help to avoid strange and uncomfortable questions on things like your wedding day, during your shower and any other functions. Encourage the rest of your party to treat them like they would treat any of your other friends or family members and include them, without question, in the festivities. (The same goes for your family members not involved in the direct party.)

One special item of consideration when you involve your child and the family in the wedding is the ceremony program. Usually the members of the bridal party are listed (first and last name) along with their relationship to the bride or groom. I urge you to discuss this with the family before they are printed. (The same goes if you have a wedding website.) Find out how they feel about being identified. Personally, I listed Munchkin's adoptive mother, D, as "friend of the bride." (We are friends, after all!) Before you write something like "Son of the Groom" for your placed child, make sure that the family is okay with having their legal son identified as such. While he is still your son as well, asking for permission or approval would be in your best interest. The same goes for identifying the parents. If "friend" doesn't work for you and you think that they need a better identification, ask them what they would prefer. "Parents of Bride's Daughter" is an example of something to say though, be forewarned, for guests in attendance who don't know your story, it will bring about questions on a day that is already full of stress. If you choose this route (either with the parents or the child), you need to be mentally and emotionally prepared to answer questions from acquaintances about the adoption when all you might really want to say is, "Did you like the cake?"

On the wedding day itself, try to catch a moment or two alone with your child and her family. You won't regret having those cherished moments in a day that is so busy with cameras and smiling and greeting and, you know, promising to love someone until death do you part. Thank them for their participation and the time and money they've sacrificed to help you celebrate this very important day.

Involving your child and her family in your special day can be a rewarding and beautiful memory that will last a lifetime. It can also be stressful. The best piece of advice I have is to make sure those lines of communication are fully open all the way from the time that you invite them until you walk out the door of the reception hall to start your honeymoon. While all of your wedding party members are important in your life, this is a relationship that needs more care at times. Don't let the stress of a wedding muck up the work you have done on that relationship!

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For more on weddings, read:

1. Etiquette for Inviting Your Child to Your Wedding.

2. Getting Married: Things for Birth Parents to Consider.

3. Love Thursday: Wedding Memories.