Involving the Father: A Benefit to All

Jan recently did a series on birth fathers. I’m not doing a series today but, rather, I’m posing a question based off of my personal experience and the things that I see written on blogs and in the forums.

Why are we so adverse to involving expectant fathers in the adoption process?

I’ll tell our personal story first which will include my opinions as to why that happened. L, Munchkin’s birth father, and I weren’t on the best of terms by the time I came to the decision of adoption. While he initially offered to help me find a family if I chose adoption, our own issues impeded our communication. Knowing that was the case, shouldn’t the agency have made some attempt to involve him in a process that greatly altered his life? Did they just assume that since he wouldn’t/couldn’t support me/us during a pregnancy that he didn’t want anything to do with a child? Without asking him, was that a fair assumption? (No.)

The agency, having his phone numbers, addresses and social security number, provided by me, never contacted him for his medical records or ethnic background. I provided the information to the best of my ability, occasionally choking down anger and sadness to make a phone call and ask questions. Wouldn’t he have been better qualified to check yes or no on the long list of medical issues that could possibly run through his genetic code? (Yes.)

He received no counseling. (Not that I did, but I’m telling his story.) He simply received papers to sign, twice due to a mistake. As I’ve said before, I feel guilt about that but it wasn’t necessarily my PAID PROFESSION to involve him. I tried but we kept running into brick walls. When I heard him cry the first time he heard the Munchkin’s voice, nearly three years after he signed away his rights, my heart literally broke into a thousand pieces. (Yes, I’m working on my own guilt in therapy! Promise!)

There’s just one account of how a biological father was stepped on and over in the adoption process. There are, sadly, many more. The good thing happens to be that L likes J and D and they are now working on their own relationship.

I see many of the same problems presented on the forums. Families worry that an expectant father won’t sign and post a question, asking what to do about it. I’ve decided that from here on out, my response will likely always be the following:

While the father does have the absolute right NOT to sign the papers, have you considered speaking with him yourself(ves)? So often we see expectant mothers with all of the control and the expectant father only brought in to sign papers. Is that fair? Probably not. Do they have questions about the people who will be parenting their child? Most likely! Perhaps it would calm his fears to know, first hand, what kind of people you are and what your home will be like for his child.

At that point, you will have a better feel for the situation as a whole, even if you don’t create an instant, best-friendship. You will be able to get a better feel for what his heart and mind are leading him to do.

Or some direct variation thereof.

What do I see in this advice? Not only the involvement of the expectant father, bringing his rights and feelings into consideration, but hope for the potential adoptive family. Think about it: not knowing is the reason so many parents worry about every possible worst-case-scenario outcome. A biological father who refuses to sign is often the “nightmare” that keeps them up at night. If you, not the agency but you personally, were to take the time to have a phone conversation or even a face-to-face meeting during which you could ask your questions and answer his, wouldn’t you then have a better understanding of where this individual stands on the idea of signing over his parental rights?

I encourage expectant mothers, as well, to do the morally and ethically sound thing and name the father even if they have been told to do otherwise by family or an unethical agency. Not only does the father have a right to make this decision as well but your child has a right to medical knowledge that the biological father would best provide! If you’re unwilling to talk to the expectant father yourself, urge your agency to involve him in the process. If they are unwilling to do so or start to make excuses, count that as a red flag regarding their ethical actions and look for a new agency.

Biological fathers need to be involved in the adoption process. Not only for the peace of mind that it could provide waiting families but for the children that have a right to know their own history.

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More Reading!

For more about L’s story, read Munchkin’s Birthfather: His Guilt, Grief and Sorrow. For more about adoption reform to protect birthfather’s rights, read The Birthparent Study – Part 5. For the events and emotions surrounding Munchkin meeting her birth father for the first time, read Munchkin Met Her Birth Father and New Emotions.

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