Involving Fathers

I’m kind of tired of seeing biological fathers dissed on various forums, blogs and in adoption settings in general. I’m feeling a need to speak up and speak out about their plight. While I’m a first mother and not a first father, I’ve watched my daughter’s biological father struggle to figure out how to handle the grief and loss and confusion. I’ve watched a few other public birth fathers speak out about their experiences. I’ve written about biological fathers who were denied the right to raise the child that they conceived.

And I’m kind of tired of the negativity.

Disclaimer: I’m not speaking in favor of men who raped a woman who became pregnant.

My opinions on various adoption topics have formed over the years and I believe they will continue to change and form as the years continue. While some negative Nancies would call that “revisionist history,” I don’t know one person alive who hasn’t changed an opinion or two (or more!) over the years. This topic features an opinion change for me.

Prior to or shortly after Munchkin’s birth, I would have told you that her biological father could have fallen off the face of the Earth and I wouldn’t have cared at all. I was angry. I felt betrayed and abandoned. I wanted someone to feel as bad as I did about the situation and I said some pretty nasty things to him in the process. And then I began learning how adoptees feel about their biological fathers. And I learned to let go of my anger real quick.

It took Munchkin’s father three years to finally meet her. He received absolutely no counseling from our unethical agency as to the importance he could play in her life. He didn’t know about or understand that he was also privy to the open relationship. He was just served with papers to sign and that was that, no ifs, ands or buts!

As I’ve been working for the ethical treatment of expectant parents over the years, I have realized how much more work needs to be done for fathers in the equation. They have a right to parent if they so choose, even if the mother doesn’t want to do so. They deserve unbiased, third party counseling as well to explain their rights either with regard to parenting or what open adoption entails. Expectant mothers are often a roadblock to this communication as the relationship has often soured but agencies should be seeking to be “above” that issue and make sure that all parties are making a fully informed decision.

We hear all the time how biological fathers just “disappear.” I’m curious as to how many would “stay” disappeared if they were told about their rights and the importance their involvement would have later in life. I’m curious whether agencies pushing for that involvement would make other parties (expectant mothers, potential adoptive parents, the general public, and the child) respect the father’s rights and involvement more than we’re currently seeing. If agencies were treating fathers in an ethical manner, I wonder if the other parties involved wouldn’t feel a stronger moral obligation to keep him involved as the years pass.

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For more about issues for birth/first fathers, read these posts.

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