Fully open adoptions that involve visits bring up the unique situation of having to introduce one another to friends, family and acquaintances. While it is possible to avoid such an occurrence, getting out of the house and engaging in activities is something I suggest during a visit. These outings may cause families to run into different groups of people necessitating an introduction of sorts.

How, as a birth mother, should you introduce your child's family? How would you prefer to be introduced by your child's family? Do different people call for different introductions? Is avoidance ever okay? While every family will handle such a topic in a different and appropriate manner, there are some tips available to help families handle this situation.

1. Discuss this topic before a visit. Especially if the adoptive family is coming to your home turf, you need to know how the adoptive family would prefer to be introduced to your family, your friends and random acquaintances. As you ask them what their preferences are, remember to share your own preferences and what falls in and outside of your own comfort zone. Some adoptive families will have no problem being introduced as "the adoptive parents of my child," but some birth mothers may not feel that is an appropriate discussion for everyone that could possibly be met. Find out what you are both comfortable with and make the necessary compromises.

2. Practice. It sounds lame but it can help. Practicing the introductions of your child and his/her family on those who are closest to you (and thus already know your child and the family) can help you get the words straight before you are thrust into the situation.

3. Prepare those that you can. While you don't need to take out an ad in your local newspaper, informing friends and family that your child's family will be in town and that they may meet can help alleviate some of the shock value when the meeting takes place. (Obviously, if you haven't yet come out of the birth parent closet just yet, this involves much more preparation than a simple, "Hey, my kid's family is coming into town! Heads up!") Letting these people know to expect new faces will help them prepare in hopes of avoiding uncomfortable moments and questions.

4. Have an escape plan. While you have taken care to prepare friends and family, chances are that you might run into someone that you haven't told about the adoption or that isn't a supporter of the open adoption system. Discuss, ahead of time, with your child's adoptive family, whether they are going to be offended if you simply introduce them to these groups of people as "friends of the family" or on a first name basis. If they are going to be offended (which is within their right), compromise to find an appropriate way to introduce them without totally launching you out of your comfort zone and creating problems for you in your own space after the visit has ended.

5. Discuss the key phrases. Even for the most secure families in open adoption, some phrases make the skin crawl. If you don't want to be introduced to the adoptive family's friends as "x-kid's birth mom," say so. Ask (definitely before hand) if it is okay to say, "this is my daughter's mom." Find those appropriate titles and key phrases and stick to what is decided upon. (Practicing makes this easier as you can tend to slip back into old habits/terms when you are caught off guard!)

The introductions can be anxiety laden time for different reasons. Planning and discussing the issues ahead of time can help alleviate some of that stress. Remembering to be respectful of set boundaries while asking the family to respect yours is key to finding a common ground on the topic. Furthermore, especially for those who may not support your decision, having a set of witty comebacks for not-so-nice comments can help alleviate those fears as well.

After introductions have been made, possibly in an evening discussion, make sure that the family feels as though you properly handled the issue. Ask them to be honest and speak truthfully as well; if it felt weird to use their chosen or preferred titles or words, speak up! Continue to have an open dialog on what each family is comfortable with as it can and very well may change as the years pass!

//
For more, read:

1. How Birth Parents Can Properly Communicate the Hard Stuff.

2. Why Won't You Listen to Me?

3. Standing on the Sidelines, Feeling Helpless.

//
Photo Credit.