I cannot count on fingers and toes the number of adoptees who have wanted to know their story and have been told, point blank, that they can't have it. By their birth parents, the ones who mentally possess that story. I can't imagine it myself, denying my child that information. And so I implore other birth parents to consider sharing as much information as possible.

No. I don't mean getting into specific detail about the conception. That's now what I mean. I do mean, however, to be honest with your child about the relationship or, in some cases, lack thereof with the other party. Try to leave bitterness and resentment for the other party out of it even if it exists. Instead of saying, "He never called me back, that gooberhead (or a worse word)," just say, "He didn't call me back." It's really that simple. Your adult child can then ask the proper questions and come to his or her own conclusion.

This, of course, gets stick for birth parents involved in open adoptions, thus having contact with their children for years before adulthood. How much information is too much? How much anger is too much anger to show? How much detail is too much detail? And so on. Especially in cases of rape, the lines blur and smudge over what is and is not appropriate to share with a child. This is when a birth parent and adoptive parent need to be in close communication with how the story is presented over the years. I am not suggesting to sugar coat or lie. I would not do such a thing. It comes down to word choice and informational boundaries. It is also important to respect the adoptive parents' wishes while respecting yourself. Finding that balance can be tough.

This is another story that should be written out. It's all to easy to forget details. Write them down so that they can be passed on.




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