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It makes me cringe. It leaves a bad taste in my mouth. And then I actually start giggling. When adoptive parents refer to their child’s birth mother as “our birth mother,” I just can’t get past the usual impossibility of it. Take our situation as an example.
D is four years older than me. J is some years older than that; we usually refer to him as old as an inside joke. I’m pretty sure, understanding biology, that it would have been impossible for me to give birth to either J or D and subsequently sign over my parental rights before I was ever born.
Most adoptive parents don’t mean it to be demeaning. One can assume that, for some, it’s a means of shortening “our daughter’s birth mother” when typing online. We’re a fast-paced society and abbreviating is a way to save time. However, many birth mothers not only find it irritating but demeaning as well.
I know, I know, another language discussion as we delve into adoption semantics. However, I encourage you to step back for a moment and view it through the eyes of the birth parent(s) in question. If you say, in describing them, “our birth mother,” you have just completely removed the connection and relationship that the birth parent has with his/her child and thus placed the determiner on yourself. While many birth parents, including myself, do have a relationship with the adoptive parents, it is not the same nor should it be assumed to be as such. It’s true that the commitment should be to both parties (and backwards in the same way) but to totally remove the connection that a birth parent has to or with the child is disheartening, demeaning and completely unnecessary.
It also smacks of ownership and/or a sense of authority over someone else. Birth parents do not belong to the adoptive parents nor should they be made the feel as though they are “less than” by association. Regarding a birth parent as an equal (to an adoptive parent) in terms of respect (not in parenting responsibility) could help alleviate a lot of problems with communication. In the words of James L. Gritter, whose book we are looking at it, open adoption functions best “on the premise that adoptive parents and birth parents draw equally from the same wonderful yet flawed well of human nature.” We’re different, for sure, but we’re similar as well. I’m not less than you because of my title. I am not more than you because of my title.
Basically, it just sounds tacky. It doesn’t add an immense amount of syllables to add “daughter’s” or “son’s” between the two words. It’s not a huge amount of extra letters to type. And, in the end, it shows respect for the connection that exists instead of completely removing it.
Seems simple to me.
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For more, read:
1. Can We Assign Our Own Titles, Please?
2. What To Call Us.
3. When To Use the Term Birth Mother.
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Photo Credit.
Heck yeah.
I am sure that most adoptive parents do not intend anything negative when they say it, but I hate this careless usage so very much. Whenever someone says it, I think of Margaret Atwood’s scary novel The Handmaid’s Tale, in which couples own reproductive slaves, and I get completely grossed out. “Our birthmother” actually makes me sick to my stomach.
It all goes back to the fact that I wasn’t created to “bring a gift” to another couple. I’m not a vessel. I don’t belong to them, and they don’t own me. I hope more people will stop and think about what they are saying when they say “our birthmother.”
I didn’t know it was common to say “our birthmother” in an adoption situation. It’s as silly (in my opinion) as when a couple who’ve conceived a child together tell everyone “WE’RE pregnant!” Eh? I suppose it would be appropriate to use the phrase “Our birthmother” if you’re the adopted Queen of England who historically refers to herself as “We, Us, Our etc”). God, the world is getting more complicated than I care to disect or think about anymore. I need a nap.
The queen refers to herself as our birthmom and it bugs the heck out of ME! She stopped doing it so much when I looked at her and said “weird since you were born two years after I was”
I still call her my babymama though, but we are sick and twisted and FAR from PC in our relationship
I agree. I always say “my son’s birthmother” when referring to T, even if it does take longer to say or type out.
- Faith
You want the adoptive parents to feel married to you, but they are being bad if the say the very inclusive ‘Our birthmother’. Jenna, you are not the pioneer in this, there was a guy before you that also tilted at windmills. John
John, I think you missed the point but see no reason to explain it as it was done very well in the blog and subsequent comments.
Your Quixotic reference is a bit out of place.
Jenna, I so agree with you about this. It is just one in a long line of words and/or sentences that are used that make me cringe.
Jenna!
Brilliant as always. Love the photo which is so eloquent about “our” birthmother. I thought that the birthmother term was horrible, then as I read more about the adoption world, I saw the use of “our” birthmother. I was repelled beyond words.
Janet
John,
You don’t get it. You don’t get adoption or adoption related issues and are looking at adoption through a fifty year old lens, despite that much has changed in the way people are treated in adoption since then.
Also how does Quixote even relate at all? People who throw out literary references that don’t apply don’t make themselves appear smarter by doing so.
Jenna~ great post!
John~ Have you nothing better to do than come here and pick apart everything Jenna is saying and doing? It is obvious that you enjoy debate, maybe you should call up our politicians and leave Jenna alone to do what she does very well!
Saying ‘our’ birthmother, the way I refer to ‘our’ accountant, or ‘our’ organizer, does make it seem as if that relegates our child’s birthmother to the status of employee or someone who provides a service for pay. Not good. I’m glad I remember not to say it, though I did slip a few times in the early years.
John obviously you don’t like Jenna, or her writing, or her passion about reform in adoption as well as the ongoing relationships within families. You have a very black and white attitude toward adoption, and refuse to grow or see things in a different light.
So at this point it is obvious that you are just trying to harass Jenna and put her down on a regular basis. It is disgusting to see someone get such joy from putting someone else down regularly.
John, thank you for your comments but I believe our time is up.
They no longer seem to add to the discussion more than they bash my blogger so I’ll thank you to keep further comments to yourself.
I’m the odd man out. In fact, on the 21st, I posted an email where Amanda had said “our birthmother” and I take no offense to that. Perhaps I’m uneducated or perhaps I’m not caught up in the titles of our relationship, but it didn’t hurt my feelings. If I were really to get into it, I would feel less a part of our special family if they referred to me as just my daughter’s birthmother. To me, our reflects the depth of our relationships. Feel free to start bashing me now…it’s just my viewpoint; nothing more or less.
Nobody is going to bash you for that. You are entitled to have your own feelings and opinions and if you have a good relationship with your child’s adoptive parents then more power to you!