Birth Parents Blog, First Parents Blog - I'm Going to Keep Sharing

11/29/06

I'm Going to Keep Sharing

Posted by : Jenna Hatfield in Birth-First Parent Blog at 11:30 am , 401 words, 111 views
Categories: Society and Placement

I learn so much from every side of the triad. I have the utmost respect for adoptive parents. I have learned how to talk to D or bring up subjects that she might not know how to broach with me because of my interactions with these parents either on the forums or various blogging formats. I have learned what is most important for me to do in order to show respect for their role as the Munchkin's parents. I have learned what might be potentially offensive and know how to respect boundaries set forth in our adoption.

And oh wow, the things I've learned from adoptees. I have pages and pages in my journal of things to keep in mind for when the Munchkin gets older and approaches me (or doesn't!) with certain issues. I have ideas on how to bond with her, brought to me by this invaluable resource of adults who have been through the fire. I can't learn enough. There is never enough time to learn "enough."

Yet, I find it strange that my opinion or experience is never dubbed as important as these other two parts of the triad. It's disheartening. I have never acted in a disrespctful manner, yet I'm told that I'll never be as important, well-respected or remotely equal. I didn't do anything wrong, folks. I placed my child for adoption. I didn't abuse or neglect her. And I refuse to be treated like a diseased cow. I have experiences that people can learn from; I'm going to share them. I have joys that others can rejoice in me with; I'm going to share them. I have sorrows that others might be able to avoid; I'm going to share them. Even in places where I may not be wanted or respected, if one (just ONE!) person learns something from what I have to say, my task is completed.

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I have said before that I won't be silenced. I won't. I am a strong, proud woman, even if you think I should be silent and ashamed. I am an amazing Mother, in different ways, to both of my children and I will encourage parents of all types to be as amazing as they can as well. I represent a side of the triad that has long since been told that we don't deserve a voice.

This is my voice. And I'm going to keep sharing.

11 comments

Comments, Pingbacks:

Comment from: JudyK [Member]

· http://justenjoyhim.wordpress.com/

"I find it strange that my opinion or experience is never dubbed as important as these other two parts of the triad."

Holy cow, are you kidding?!

Well, no, of course you're not. I know you and I know you wouldn't kid about that. But I find that . . . abhorrent.

And you know me. And I hope by now you know that I have the utmost respect for you, I really do. You're there at the top of my list, Jenna. No joking.

Whoever disrespects you just doesn't know. They just don't. Whoever disrespects the voices of birthmothers who come to inform about adoption as you have Just. Don't. Get. It.

It's been eye-opening for me, and I appreciate it more than I can say. Because of birthmothers LIKE YOU who won't quit sharing, I am informed, I am better able to share with my son about his birthmother, I have the knowledge that I need to approach some of these difficult topics. All of this will ultimately make me a better mother.

I hope you do continue to share. I hope other birthmothers continue to share. And I sincerely hope that someday society will give you and them the respect that you all so greatly deserve. (Lord I cleaned that up for this board!!!)

Permalink 11/29/06 @ 11:40

Comment from: mommamarci [Member]

I was just thinking this morning about hoe poeple say they don't understand how Cameron's first mom could "give him away." (I HATE when they say that.) Anyway, it got me thinking. I think first moms are stronger and more important than adoptive moms. I am way too selfish. A lot of first moms place their child because they love the child enough to want more and to let the child go. I couldn't do it. I am not a selfless enough person. She made the ultimate sacrifice for him because she loved him that much. I can't even think about it without feeling like tearing up. My son is so lucky to have a first mother that loves him so completely.

Permalink 11/29/06 @ 12:16

Comment from: Chance [Member]

I am an adoptive mom and I just love reading your blogs. By doing so as given me a lot more respect for my sons birth mom and have since been talking to her online. Even though a LOT of people right now think I am crazy for doing so and have tried to convince me that it's not a "good idea" to be talking to her (and her other family as well online) (she lost her son though family and children services for a few different reasons when he was 13 months old, and rights were terminated 12 months later due to adbandment). Everyone seems to see her as "not caring", "selfish", for "choosing drugs over her son" and just a really bad mother. And to be completly honet I used to feel that way for awhile and coulnd't understand. What really turned that around for me Jenna is comming accross this adoption blogs and reading other blogs, but more so YOUR (and Coleys) blogs. Seeing how much hurt that mother feels when they can no longer parent thier son (either by the decision to place thier children, but by have them removed from a third party). I can now understand the hurt and pain that my sons first mom feels every day. Because of the recent contact I have been having with her on MSN I have really started to see her as a person, and not just a name. I am contuined to see how much respect she has for me and I have sent her a link to my personal blog where I blog about my son and what he is up to every day, and she loves reading his progression and what funny and cute things are saying. (I started this blog mostly for grandparents, aunts uncles and for my sons first mom) I am now praying that my husband will come around to allow a more personal contact (maybe even just a phone call!). I have sent him many of your blogs in hopes to get him to understand what b.moms think and feel and that thier hurt dosen't go away. So Please keep posting!

Permalink 11/29/06 @ 13:29

Comment from: Heather Lowe [Member]

· http://unplanned-pregnancy.adoptionblogs.com/

I feel the same way!

Permalink 11/29/06 @ 14:04

Comment from: afrindiemum [Member]

keep rockin' it, girl. i'm so happy to hear your voice.

Permalink 11/29/06 @ 18:21

Comment from: Dr. G [Member]

· http://adoptive-parenting.adoptionblogs.com/

Chance--i was thrilled to read your comment. i have written a lot about the parents whose rights to their children were terminated and the pain they must feel but how there seems to be this special category of surrendering parents who "deserve" our sympathy and our respect and then this other category (those whose rights were terminated because of abuse/neglect/drugs etc.) who don't deserve anything but the heartache and pain they got when their children were removed from them. i'm glad to see someone else writing about it.

Permalink 11/29/06 @ 20:06

Comment from: Jenna Hatfield [Member]

· http://birthparents.adoptionblogs.com/

Ah, Doc. I didn't say I deserved your sympathy. I said I demand your respect. ;)

Permalink 11/30/06 @ 07:56

Comment from: vbigelow [Member]

I'm sorry, Jenna. I don't understand how anyone could possibly choose to surrender their child. I feel sickened to the core of my being when I hear someone glorify that choice. I am not saying this to be cruel or mean. I'm speaking honestly, just as you are. I think the situation is tolerable (barely) for you over the long haul, not because it was a great, natural choice, but because the boundaries have been blurred by an open adoption. This is not to say that I don't believe in open adoption; I think that it's the only way, especially when you look at it from the adoptee's perspective.

Permalink 12/12/06 @ 21:11

Comment from: Jenna Hatfield [Member]

· http://birthparents.adoptionblogs.com/

I'm sickened that you can't respect my family.

Permalink 12/12/06 @ 21:18

Comment from: thomasina [Member]

Regarding the respect comment. One cannot demand respect; they must earn it. ;)

Permalink 12/14/06 @ 21:35

Comment from: Jenna Hatfield [Member]

· http://birthparents.adoptionblogs.com/

Thanks! I've earned mine! :)

Permalink 12/14/06 @ 22:03