I’m a Real Mom and So Are You

There’s a meme be-bopping its way around the blogosphere right now. “Real Mom Truths.” Any other mother touched by adoption cringe at the title? I did as well. The meme starter probably didn’t understand the long-standing angst behind the words “real mom.” In truth, it’s a good meme. Basically, you take the words “A Real Mom” and insert after them whate a real mom does (and share a picture of your real motherhood); some of my non-adoption related favorites include run for the camera, still cuddle after getting puked on, and teach self reliance.

I sat and stewed over the wording for awhile. I got all frustrated by it, feeling excluded because I’m a lowly birth mother and simultaneously wanting to stick it to the man because, darn it, I am a MOM! So, I wrote. Then I challenged others touched by adoption to shed the fears of the phrase “real mom” without demeaning another group of Moms and write something as well.

And they started writing. And then I started crying.

Judy, who is a real life friend that I’ve mentioned before, made me get all weepy first. Her post, entitled A Real Mom Shares the Title hit home on a variety of different levels. This particular paragraph struck me:

I’m a Real Mom to my son. So is my son’s first mother. In this case, my son has two Real Moms. One he knows on a daily basis. One he knows in his heart, even if he’s not aware of that yet. One he calls Mom and understands what that means. One he calls his Tummy Mummy and has a pretty good understanding of what that means, at five years old, but not a sophisticated understanding. One he sees every day. One he hasn’t seen since he was two days old, but we hope to be able to see her some day.

Of course, the entire post sort of ties everything in together nicely, as Judy’s writing usually does. She has also included a picture that is probably my favorite picture of her and Nate, together OR separately, because they both look truly happy.

And then, just before I was heading to bed, HeatherS of Unproductive Reproduction hit me up with her entry. And I got all weepy and teary eyed again. Her post is so beautifully written, in sentiment and word, that you can’t miss it. To understand what she is talking about in the quote below, you have to go check out her post, but I’m sure you can catch on in this part that moved me:

A real mom opens her hands to let go. She lets go of her expectations so her child can have independence. She lets go of the idea that she alone can meet all her child’s needs in order to give room for others’ love. She lets go of the desire to control what her child thinks of her.

I love Heather’s use of an open hand (and the picture) to really drive home the thought process behind real motherhood and open adoption. Again, the writing is beautiful as is the general idea.

Real Mom Truths are spreading like wildfire all over the blogosphere. If you come up with one of your own, please link me. I’m loving reading these even if the wording is somewhat triggering. I just have to keep telling myself: a real mom loves, always and forever.

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