Since my son grew up in an era in which adoption was not commonly discussed, I doubt that there was much, if any, discussion about me or his birth family. However,I am grateful that there probably were at least no negative comments made about me. Having met his adoptive mother, I cannot imagine that she would not done that.

Truthfully, in those days there was little exchange of information. I received no information about my son’s adoptive parents – that was how adoptions happened in those days. As for what his adoptive parents knew about me, they probably received at least a bit of information, but not much.

My thoughts on this subject are therefore simply fantasy wishes – the way that I believe many birth moms might prefer. Cardinal rule number one: never lie about the birth parents, good or bad, both can come back to haunt you later. Lying to your child is never a good precedent anyway. Even if there are some hard truths like drugs or alcohol, find a way to not lie about those truths. Do not assume that the truth is full of all negatives either though.

Of course, how much information you reveal needs to be age appropriate, and you should present the negative information in the most delicate way possible. It is important for the child’s sake to couch tough facts in the best possible manner.

If you do not know the truth about a birth parent’s circumstances, do not make something up. You could offer possibilities as long as you are clear that you really do not know. As long as you are making guesses, be as positive as possible. Do this not for the birth parents’ sake, but for the benefit of your child.

One of my favorite adoptive moms remembered her children’s birth parents in their prayers every night. She also told her daughters often when they accomplished something how proud she imagined that their birth parents would be. When a daughter went off to a prom, she would remark that she wished they could see how pretty she was. Those kinds of remarks acknowledge several things:

First, they acknowledge that the birth parents exist. Sounds silly, but never talking about them at all makes them into fantasy figures who may or may not be real people. Fantasy figures can be either positive or negative. Another possilibity is that one imagines that they are so horrible that speaking of them is taboo if no one ever mentions them. In any case, casual references to them as real people is a good idea.