Should we be expected to know how to talk and write to other triad members in a respectful manner? Is it unfair to expect non-triad members to be able to discuss our issues with us in a compassionate and civil manner? I am not certain that there is a definitive answer to either of those questions.

However, I do think that triad members who have frequent contact with other positions in the triad should at least make some attempts to be sensitive. There are a few really significant comments that triad members should understand are hurtful. I just wrote two blogs on how I hate hearing, “You did the right thing”. I do not believe that people say that to be hurtful, just the opposite. Most people just flat out do not understand how most birth mothers feel about the comment.

Of course, we all have a learning curve, and it is good to keep that in mind. I often admit that I was guilty of some of the gaffes that I now get riled about in others. Plus, I know that I still occasionally blunder and hit a sore spot with other triad members. I also recognize that the fervor to use only the politically correct terminology gets a bit ridiculous at times as well.

I write about what “not to say” to birth mothers because I understand how hurtful it is when people make insensitive comments. I believe strongly in the principle that we cannot expect others to know how we feel unless we tell them.

Therefore, when I write about what not to say to birth moms, my motivation is not to scold people who say the “wrong” thing, but to educate them. I do not believe that most people want to be anything but supportive when they say something like, “You did the right thing.” I also will concede that those words might comfort some birth moms – just none that I know. If you are unsure how someone will take a specific comment, maybe it is better not to make it at all.