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Yesterday I asked if anyone had ever had it assumed, simply by mentioning a connection to adoption, that they had adopted instead of relinquished. As I said, it happened to me twice, the most recent time having happened just last week. It caught me off guard for all of two seconds.
Then I continued on with my story.
It didn’t quite happen that way the first time. I stumbled on my words. I think I ended up confusing the person I was talking to for a good five minutes. She eventually caught on though I was still stumbling around, trying to find words with an elevated blood pressure. Why was I so flustered? I can’t be sure.
I do know that the first time it happened I was in a not-so-great place with my adoption journey. To have it assumed that I was a, gasp, adoptive parent seemed like something horrific to me. On top of that, I knew that birth parents were so stigmatized in our world and, darn it, I didn’t want to have to carry that cross either! I suddenly felt uncomfortable sharing my story at all and would have made a hasty exit, stage left, if I hadn’t been sitting at my own kitchen table.
My, how I’ve grown.
As my new friend expressed her confusion, I took a moment to mentally regroup and simply said, “No, I placed my daughter. She has a great adoptive mom. We have an open adoption.” I then continued on with the story of my complicated pregnancy, decision to place, mentioned the agency briefly and ended up where we are today. She asked a few questions and then we talked about what we had met for in the first place.
I compared the two scenarios in my head in the days that followed the most recent experience. As I said, how I handled it last week is pure evidence of my growth. I didn’t balk at the idea of being thought of as an adoptive parent. I didn’t suddenly want to abandon my title of birth mother. I simply stated the facts and continued on. I think it might be because I don’t let the role of birth mother define me. Being thought of as another member of the triad is merely a brief bit of confusion, not an identity crisis. I know that I’m not evidence of the negative stereotypes. I know that I’m a good person. Therefore, I don’t care if letting them know who I am in the adoption triad makes them doubt me as they have thought of me in the past. If they’re good people, they’ll know that I am as well.
I’m proud of me. I’ve come a long way! I hope you will as well.
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Photo Credit.
