Comments on: How to Forgive Others http://birthparents.adoptionblogs.com/weblogs/how-forgive-others A blog for and about parents who have placed a child for adoption. Tue, 17 Nov 2009 16:02:45 -0700 http://wordpress.org/?v=2.8.4 hourly 1 By: Jenna Hatfield http://birthparents.adoptionblogs.com/weblogs/how-forgive-others/comment-page-1#comment-1135 Jenna Hatfield Wed, 06 Jun 2007 14:00:52 +0000 http://birth-first.www.adoptionblogs.com/2007/06/05/how-forgive-others#comment-1135 I've been able to forgive almost everyone involved in the loss of the Munchkin. My parents and I have finally discussed the communication failures that lead to some serious misunderstandings. I forgive them for that as they have forgiven me for some things that I also said. (I'll admit; when I felt attacked by them, I said some totally not nice things.) I've forgiven Munchkin's birth father, which was a longer process for me and I think he's forgiven me as well. I've forgiven some people who said some things that made me doubt myself; I'm sure they only thought that they were helping me "look at the bigger picture." <br /> <br /> But I'm having the DARNDEST time forgiving the agency. I've tried. We work on it in therapy. But after they flat out refused to offer me an apology when that's all I asked for in my Better Business Bureau complaint... well, I just can't seem to let go of that anger, that bitterness, that resentment. I'm hurt that they won't apologize for misleading me and lying to me. I'm angry that they refuse to accept responsibility for the things that went wrong. I want a sincere apology. And while I know that doesn't HAVE to happen to forgive people (I forgave Munchkin's birth father about a year before I actually GOT an apology), the flat denial of an apology makes me SO ANGRY. Still. Three years later. I’ve been able to forgive almost everyone involved in the loss of the Munchkin. My parents and I have finally discussed the communication failures that lead to some serious misunderstandings. I forgive them for that as they have forgiven me for some things that I also said. (I’ll admit; when I felt attacked by them, I said some totally not nice things.) I’ve forgiven Munchkin’s birth father, which was a longer process for me and I think he’s forgiven me as well. I’ve forgiven some people who said some things that made me doubt myself; I’m sure they only thought that they were helping me “look at the bigger picture.”

But I’m having the DARNDEST time forgiving the agency. I’ve tried. We work on it in therapy. But after they flat out refused to offer me an apology when that’s all I asked for in my Better Business Bureau complaint… well, I just can’t seem to let go of that anger, that bitterness, that resentment. I’m hurt that they won’t apologize for misleading me and lying to me. I’m angry that they refuse to accept responsibility for the things that went wrong. I want a sincere apology. And while I know that doesn’t HAVE to happen to forgive people (I forgave Munchkin’s birth father about a year before I actually GOT an apology), the flat denial of an apology makes me SO ANGRY. Still. Three years later.

]]> By: Faith Allen http://birthparents.adoptionblogs.com/weblogs/how-forgive-others/comment-page-1#comment-1134 Faith Allen Wed, 06 Jun 2007 11:25:19 +0000 http://birth-first.www.adoptionblogs.com/2007/06/05/how-forgive-others#comment-1134 Good post!!<br /> <br /> Forgiveness is something that I have thought about a lot, especially over the past few years as I have focused on healing from childhood abuse. As I am sure you know, forgiveness is a hot topic on any board where people were deeply harmed and when the consequence have long-lasting effects. <br /> <br /> The way I have come to see forgiveness is choosing to stop nursing the bitterness and, instead, focus that freed up energy on healing myself. For me, choosing to let go of the bitterness is completely about healing myself. In the context of child abuse, I will never find a good enough reason or motivation for the abuser to "deserve" forgiveness. Instead, forgiveness is a gift that I give myself.<br /> <br /> I see forgiveness discussed in harmful ways at times, so it is a breath of fresh air to read a perspective like yours.<br /> <br /> Take care,<br /> <br /> - Faith Good post!!

Forgiveness is something that I have thought about a lot, especially over the past few years as I have focused on healing from childhood abuse. As I am sure you know, forgiveness is a hot topic on any board where people were deeply harmed and when the consequence have long-lasting effects.

The way I have come to see forgiveness is choosing to stop nursing the bitterness and, instead, focus that freed up energy on healing myself. For me, choosing to let go of the bitterness is completely about healing myself. In the context of child abuse, I will never find a good enough reason or motivation for the abuser to “deserve” forgiveness. Instead, forgiveness is a gift that I give myself.

I see forgiveness discussed in harmful ways at times, so it is a breath of fresh air to read a perspective like yours.

Take care,

- Faith

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