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As we continue through our life journeys, we meet new people. Unless we’re hermits, we’re going to continue meeting new people. It’s just a fact of life. Some people don’t matter much in the grand scheme of things. Others do. Most people fall somewhere in between. As we get to know new people, questions about our lives come up. While sometimes we’re given the chance to get to know people very well first, sometimes we’re forced to talk about our connection to adoption before we’re really ready.
How do you deal with that conversation? In fact, even with people that you’ve gotten to know very well but have chosen not to discuss adoption with them until a certain point, how do you address the situation?
I imagine it is different for each of us. Birth parents from the closed adoption era have a different story to tell in a different way than birth parents living in open adoptions. Even birth parents from the same era with a similar style of adoption have their own unique story. On top of things, these birth parents are often presenting their story to someone who may or may not have preexisting opinions on birth parents, adoption, openness and related topics. It can be difficult if we’re sharing our story and someone says something offensive or judgmental.
So how do you explain your adoption story to someone new? Here are some questions to consider:
1. What words do you use? Do you say: I relinquished my child for adoption. I placed my child for adoption. I lost my child to adoption. I gave up my child. I share my child with another family through an open adoption.
2. What attitude do you use to present the topic? Are you smiling? Are you sad? How you present the story will let the other person know how to respond (if they have any sense about them when it comes to human communication).
3. Where does your contact stand and how do you feel about it? Be sure to share that.
4. Are you prepared to educate about open adoption, adoption reform or the realities of reunion? Most people in our society don’t know much about these topics. As such, sharing your story becomes an opportunity (or a necessity) in education. Do you know about about the origins of the topics or the pitfalls of each? Do you know why adoption reform is necessary (and why not every adoption story is happy)? Do you know how open adoption got its start? Do you know why reunion can be so difficult? You can’t expect your listener to automatically understand if you don’t know the answers either. It is your duty to understand this world that you are a part of because of your position in the triad. Keep learning and reading about adoption. Keep talking with other members of the triad. Be proactive, not reactive.
5. Do you want to go into detail (with a trusted friend whom you are opening up to) or do you want to be brief (with a co-worker or other acquaintance)? Practice each version of your story. It sounds funny to practice your story, doesn’t it? It makes sense though. If you don’t want to share too many details with a co-worker or casual acquaintance, you need to learn the difference between your brief and detailed stories. Know when to cut yourself off. Know how to push yourself to share more with that trusted friend. Knowing the differences in how you present your stories will assure that you don’t share too much or that you share everything you want to share.
Questions will arise as we continue to live our lives. Knowing how you want to explain your story can help others understand not only your story but a little more about adoption in general. Consider these questions before you have your next adoption related conversation.
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Photo Credit.
Thirty years ago, my wife and I were in the final stages of the adoption process. In January 1981 we got a call from the adoption agency telling us that our baby was here and we needed to pick her up the next day. This was a closed adoption, common for the time. We have always been very open about the adoption with either of our children or anyone we have met. Personally, I think that’s the best approach.
A bit over a year and a half ago, we got a phone call from a man who said he was our daughters birth father. Big shock! I thought closed adoptions were “closed.” After we met him, one look removed all doubt about the genetics of the situation. This new relationship has been a very positive one for our daughter. She and her birth father have become good friends and we have a very cordial & respectful relationship with him as well. It’s been a very positive experience for all of us.
Recently, Dave (birth father) and our daughter with a very small contribution on our part, published a book about our lives and how they have come together. Because it is told from all three of our perspecitives it may be of interest to those who are seeking to adopt, those considering giving up a child for adoption or those who have been adopted. It can be found at:
http://www.authorhouse.com/BookStore/ItemDetail.aspx?bookid=62697 or by searching eBay for “From Gods Arms To My Arms To Yours: Forever Searching.” I think there may be a facebook fan page somewhere too.
So, that’s one way to “Explain your Adoption Story”