So as not to single out adoptive parents as the sole reason communication fails and to better help birth parents feel their way through a difficult conversation, I will address birth parents and the proper ways to discuss hard feelings. (Though I thought that was covered quite well in my post "Tips on Communicating Within the Triad.") Even still, when it comes to the big issues surrounding communication between birth and adoptive families, keeping certain things in mind can help avoid blatant misunderstandings and hurt feelings.

1. Do not speak in the heat of anger. If you are feeling angry because a visit has been canceled or simply because your grief has become overwhelming as a birthday nears, you need to take a breather. Speaking in the heat of anger often leads to further miscommunication. If you are speaking on the phone, simply say something along the lines of, "I am not certain I can continue this conversation in a respectful manner at this time. Can I call you back after I've had some time to mull it over?" As always, set a time limit so that the other party is not left hanging, wondering and waiting for your return.

2. Fight fair. Do not bring up old disagreements or misunderstandings even if they directly pertain to the immediate issue. The past needs to remain in the past and you need to deal with the present. Do not resort to calling names. Avoid personal attacks that you know will hurt the other party; avoid "low blows" by saying things like "you took my child." Even if you are thinking at the time, "Goodness, I would have handled that situation so much better," saying it bluntly or in a nasty tone will serve absolutely no purpose.

3. Realize the weight of your words. Sometimes the things that you will share with your child's adoptive family may be difficult for them to process. Allow them to have their own reaction time. If they respond by stating that they need some time to mull it over, graciously allow them that time after stating that time limit. Remember that there are things that you have been told that haven't been easy to handle. Treat them with the respect and dignity that you would want to be shown in the same situation. Always offer to let them ask "deeper" questions so that they may better try to understand and thus empathize with your emotional state of being.

4. Use your therapist to make your break-throughs and then share them with the adoptive family. Since I was accused of making the adoptive family out to be a free therapy office, I will remind you that I've written a two part series on how to find a therapist (parts one and two). To use myself as an example to show what I mean by this point: I frequently discuss my misgivings with adoption, communication with the adoptive family and worries about my daughter with my therapist first and then discuss what my therapist and I have come up with together with my daughter's family. Sometimes it goes in the reverse as in normal conversation, the Munchkin's Mom will help me look at something from a new and needed perspective. Either way, I see the benefit in sorting through my emotions and ideas before laying them at their feet. Again, the point in sharing how you are feeling at any given time about any given adoption topic is not to make the adoptive family feel guilty or responsible but to let them know where you are in your healing process. Perhaps that doesn't make sense to someone who isn't going through a life-long healing process but it makes an enormous difference when you know where someone is and how best to deal with them as they continue to grow and heal.

5. As always, if you are needing a break, please set that time limit. It is important for that communication flow to let the family know what is going on in your brain and heart. Simply disappearing creates confusion and feelings of mistrust. Furthermore, during your break, I encourage you to keep contact with your child as best you can. Children need that consistent contact. While you are deserving of space to sort through the hard stuff, putting the needs of your child ahead of your own will also help to foster a good relationship throughout the years.

In the end, hard topics do not and really should not be kept silent. There are respectful ways to share what is often necessary information. Learning to share the hard stuff in a calm and cooperative manner can help set the stage for better communication. Realize that it does work both ways, of course! As you begin to find a comfort zone in sharing the not-so-happy emotions, expect the tables to be turned from time to time. You can learn from the adoptive family's constructive criticism as well! As always, if you need time to process it, let them know!

Communicating the hard stuff doesn't have to be a negative experience. Try your hardest to share your sad or angry feelings in the best possible way. While both sides may not walk away from the conversation with warm and fuzzy feelings, knowing that your point has been respectfully made and respectfully heard can do wonders to help you during those rough times.

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For help on topics contained within this post, try reading:

1. Tips on Communicating Within the Triad.

2. Finding a Decent Therapist Parts One and Two.

3. Regarding Space: Don't Leave it Open Ended and Taking a Break: Reassuring Your Child with Consistency.

4. Why Won't You Listen to Me?

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