As much as I try to dispel myths about all birth fathers being bad guys, I rarely discuss birth dads who were not such great guys. Unplanned pregnancy can present quite a challenge to birth fathers, and sometimes they do not handle the situation too well. Some birth fathers are just dysfunctional bad guys, and never get any better. Others mature and become decent, loving and caring men.

At reunion, many birth mothers still harbor lots of ill feelings for the birth fathers of their children. Sometimes those feelings may be justified. Many birth fathers did not handle impending parenthood too well. Much like some birth mothers feel as though they did not handle the situation well, at reunion some birth fathers readily admit they regret their actions.

In my era particularly, birth dads were often quite young just like many birth mothers were. I attribute some of their bad behavior to immaturity. Some birth fathers were just not nice people, others just confused and overwhelmed.

Sometimes birth mothers expected the birth fathers to be supportive, pop the question and find a way allow them to parent. It was often quite disappointing when that did not happen. Therefore, many birth parents enter reunion with baggage from the past still hanging over their heads.

Birth fathers can help birth mothers help to heal at reunion by apologizing for their bad behavior if there was any. I first heard this idea expressing by Australian birth father, Gary Coles. Imagine the courage it took him to admit to a huge meeting room full of birth mothers that he acted like a heel at the news his girl friend was pregnant many years ago.

Before he decided to search for his relinquished son, he first found his son's mother and made peace with her. They talked and he acknowledged his bad behavior. He told her that he was deeply sorry, and meant it.

A similar type of apology came from my son's birth father as well at reunion. I realized that I was disappointed and angry at him for not handling my unplanned pregnancy the way that I wish that he had. We discussed this at reunion, and he apologized. I realized later that his sincere apology helped me heal. Plus, I wanted and needed to know that he cared about our son - it was important to hear him say that he did.

Birth fathers at reunion, or any time that they can be in touch with the birth mother or child, can help them to heal. They can do so simply by acknowledging their part, if any, in the adoption decision. Some birth mothers and children may need to hear the simple words, “I am sorry.”

Apologies do not eradicate past mistakes, but they can help people to heal. Sincere and heartfelt apologies from birth fathers can be invaluable. All mothers want to know that their fathers love and care about their children as well.

Hearing from birth fathers that they too love their children and feel a sense of loss and/or regret can also be of value to both birth mothers and relinquished children. Sometimes I imagine birth fathers may feel insignificant in the scheme of things. However, they can play a role in helping others to heal, and that may be healing for them as well.


Further Reading:

Do Birth Fathers Care About Their Children?

When the System Fails Biological Fathers

What About Birth Dads?

Involving the Birth Father - A Benefit to All

Photo by Jan Baker 2007