Hospital Time Importance

A mother recently posted on the forums about the baby she has recently relinquished. The birth did not go as planned (do they ever) and she was not able to spend time with her daughter. Alone. As any birth mother will tell you, whether they got that time or not, that time alone is greatly important for the placing mother. One could also make the argument that the time is also vastly important for the baby. And, if you really want to, you could make the argument that the time is important for the adoptive parents.

Here are some reasons why for each group of people.

I think the importance for the mother that just birthed her child is evident. If you do plan on placing, these are the only moments and/or days in which your child is only yours. You are that child’s one and only mother. These are your days to make decisions for your child, do the minutiae of parenting (diapering, breastfeeding and so on) and to make those memories that no one can take from you.

One important thing to note is that you do have every right to make all decisions at this time, no matter if the potential adoptive parents are present at the hospital or the eventual placement. You are 100% in charge of the hospital time. If the hospital staff does not seem cognizant of that fact, let them know. Contact your attorney by telephone (as you should have your own legal representation, not the same attorney as the potential family) and have him/her contact the hospital. If you don’t have your own attorney (as, sadly, many placing parents do not), contact the hospital administrators immediately. File a formal complaint while IN the hospital. Don’t wait until these moments are stolen from you. You will regret it later if you don’t take a stand and spend the time that you want with your child.

The main reason that this time is so important for the mother considering relinquishment is that the decision to place needs to be made again. As you look into your child’s eyes, you need to fully own your decision. Whether that is to sign the Termination of Parental Rights (TPR) and hand your child to the new and waiting family or to decide to parent this child on your own, it does not matter. The decisions need to be re-made once the child becomes a “reality” to you. Sure, the child has been kicking you from the inside for nine months. But many parents, even those who have meticulously planned to bring a child into the world, have spoken of the fact that the child wasn’t “real” until the birth and, as such, any decisions made regarding the child weren’t “real” either.

This time is also important for the baby. Many groups of people argue that the child should be immediately placed in the arms of the adoptive parents so that they may begin bonding. But that child is already bonded with the mother in most cases. Spending time with the mother whose voice they have known for nine months is an important part in what could be a traumatic transition from one family to another. More over, if pictures are taken, the baby (who becomes a child and then an adult) can look back at these and see the love that existed from that moment of birth. And, even still, in cases of open adoption, it’s important that children do feel bonded to their first families. I know some people balk at that idea, saying, “NO! CHILD MUST ONLY BOND WITH ADOPTIVE PARENTS! AHH!” I’m an adult. I’m bonded to more than just one person in my life. Children are as well.

And, so, after reading this, I’m sure someone is saying, “Why is this time important to adoptive parents? Seems as if it’s all about the birth parents and the baby and really just takes away from their time as a family.” Think about it. If your child’s birth mother takes that time with her child, gets that one-on-one time, has time alone to re-make her decision and still places that child in your arms… doesn’t that make it more real? Without the subtle coercion? Without the obligation to fill your arms? Doesn’t that make her decision a legitimate one? (Of note: legitimate decisions can still be painful.)

Tomorrow, yes, a Saturday, I’m going to talk about an important point about hospital time and TPR that all families (birth and adoptive) need to know.

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For more posts about time at the hospital, please read these posts.

Photo Credit.

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