Hopes and Dreams

I was once told by someone here on the blogs that I didn’t have a right to miss my daughter during a Pittsburgh Steelers game. I mean, what if she didn’t like football? What if she didn’t want to watch the game? Why was I projecting my likes and dislikes, hopes and dreams on a child that wasn’t even mine. (Emphasis not my own.)

I kind of chuckled at the harsh response. At the time, my husband and I were already parenting our oldest son. I knew all about the likes and dislikes of a family, the hopes and dreams of a parent and the will of a child. I also grew up in a family that had traditions whether the (sullen, emotional) teenagers wanted to participate or not. It’s what family is, regardless of location.

As a birth parent, you may have hopes and dreams for your relinquished child. With no control over what your child participates in, you may wonder if any of those hopes and dreams will ever come to fruition. If you have an open adoption, you may see first hand that your child’s parents are shaping their likes and dislikes, hopes and dreams as parents do. It may make you feel a bit jealous. It may leave you questioning your decision, wondering if your child would have different likes and dislikes if you had parented.

While you don’t have the ability of mind control (do you?), that doesn’t mean that you can’t still silently wish, hope and pray for certain things to come into your child’s life. There is nothing wrong with wishing for your child to be or do something at some point in their life. All parents do it. Maybe you’d love for your relinquished child to enter a certain career field or root for your same beloved sports team (even though you placed her into a rival city!).

Whatever your hopes and dreams, I want you to consider something important. There is a difference between wishing something for your child and forcing it upon your child. I would never want to force my parented children into career fields that they did not feel were appropriate. In fact, as long as the decisions that they are making are safe, I will work my hardest to support them. In a similar fashion, I will support my placed daughter in her life decisions. If she wants to root for the Pittsburgh Steelers, I will gladly buy her a Roethlisberger jersey (like our sons have) and welcome her with open arms. If she decides she wants to root for those stinking Philadelphia Eagles, I will send a hat or a shirt. As an example, my husband grew up in Ohio and somehow decided to root for Penn State. His family didn’t kick him out of the will. Unconditional love accepts rival sports teams, different hobbies and a career path they might not have known otherwise.

I’m not suggesting you stop dreaming for your child. I do it. Daily. But I am suggesting that you do so in a supportive manner, recognizing that even in the most open of adoptions, you are not the one in charge of shaping absolutely everything in your child’s life. You may have an influence, hopefully a positive one, but you don’t have the role of everyday shaping.

So, keep your wishes, hopes and prayers going while offering your unconditional love.

Photo Credit.

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