I had what some would perceive a very good end and start to my new year. On December 24th, 2012, the Adoptive parents and family came over to my house, and I saw Jimmy.
Now if I haven’t talked about Jimmy before that is because Jimmy is my son whom I named Phoenix. Tara and husband and kids enjoyed the time we had together. I had a nice clean house to call home to host in, handed out presents and spent time with a curious little four year old who holds my heart so delicately in his hands that he doesn’t even know it’s there.
Jimmy and I played the piano together and he insisted that we sing Christmas carols together, namely only two, as that was all he knew. He insisted that I sit next to him and sing carols with him, and that we sing “jingle bells” and “Baby in a manger”. He ate the frosting off of his cupcake and devoured any candy he could find. This brought a smile to my face and joy to my spirit…it may be one little thing but that kid is so much like me when I was a little girl.
We played with toys and he was a super silly kid, very fun to be around. I hadn’t seen him in two years so to see him and hear him person to person, well my soul felt nearly complete.
I came to a place of revelation this visit. The one he called mommy was not me, and I was Nellie…eventually he will know he is my birthson, and he will know that I love him, but for now I know two things.
1)I will never be his mommy, not in the sense I would like.
2)I always knew that, even if I never understood it before today.
I gave up those things years ago as I passed him into the nurses arms and let him go. When I placed him in the care of his parents, I said goodbye to being anymore then who I already am. I think the hard part about all this is that I never felt like I had a choice, even when I said I did. The options weren’t to care for him and raise him, not with my life the way it was. I am partly thankful for that, and part angry I didn’t try harder. I understand he is better with his family, and I chose this life for him, but in my heart I look at his pictures and see our son, not just the baby I placed lovingly into adoption.
Some have said, time heals all wounds. No, surely not. Four years after placing my son for adoption, I am stronger and have better coping mechanisms but I still cry for him, still long to hold his hand, still wonder what it is like to read a story to him at bedtime. I don’t have that time anymore with my oldest son, and I feel as though I never shall again.
I am looking at going back into counseling, and going to get better, be better then I ever was before. I want to believe that God can heal my pain, heal all pain, if I let go more and more. I want to know how to look at a child his age and not think, “i wonder what he is doing right now?” .
I am sure I am not the only person in the world to think these thoughts, to think about the past in terms of a point of view skewed with what could best be described as regret or sadness..
I feel I have come to a place where I can look at the past I carry with me and feel strongly, that i did the best I could with what i had at the time.
Rumi once said, “Happiness is an inside job”. This has been a holiday season of overcoming for me, realizing how far I have come and where I want to go. I feel I need more then ever, an outside look on the inside of me, so maybe I can make some peace with the rest of my life, not just the birth mother part.
I hope this post doesn’t take away from the others I have written, I truly am happy for the choice I made, and blessed beyond measure, but my heart still aches. This has not changed, and a part of me believes it wont change, not for a very long time. Truth is, I wouldn’t change a thing.
Have a late happy Holidays everyone, and my heart is with all of the families out there, missing someone today..
With Love,
Nellie
