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We frequently hear from adoptive families that are struggling to get their child’s birth family to remain in consistent contact. We feel their aggravation. We want better for the child in question. We want easier relationships for all involved. We raise our voices in hopes that these birth parents are listening. And yet, what about the other side of the coin?
A birth mother who has been struggling to keep the communication afloat in her own open adoption asked some questions on the forums. She wants to understand. And so, she asks:
Are birthparents really a threat to adoptive parents?
In fact, there have been more than a few threads by adoptive parents on the forums recently, discussing the feelings of threat and entitlement. Open, honest threads that really push people to think outside of their own experience and look at things in a different light. I’ve been pushed to my own edge of understanding, forcing myself to open my eyes to others’ unique experiences and respect these people for having the courage to state how they really feel. It’s not a truth in our own adoption, as I discussed with my daughter’s Mom and then wrote about briefly on my own adoption blog, but it’s a truth that’s out there and, therefore, we should probably be talking about it as a larger adoptive world group.
Are birth parents something to be feared? Are we all that threatening? I’ve read quite a few interesting and heart-breaking tales from various mothers, adoptive and biological, that show me, in ways I was previously unaware of, how past issues might bring fear into the situation. No doubt that the media and Lifetime like movies only hinder the understanding that could be possible between the two adult sides of the triad.
But what do you tell a birth mother who is struggling to maintain contact with a family that doesn’t seem to put much effort into the relationship? How do you encourage her? How do you tell her that she’s not “less than,” that she’s not something to be feared, even if the adoptive mother is projecting some of those fears onto her? How do you tell her to “keep on keeping on” when it seems really unlikely that this particular adoptive mother will ever get the emotional help that she needs on her own to deal with such fears and initiate a good relationship for the sake of the child? This isn’t a birth mother who has done things out of line or crossed over any boundaries. This is one of those mothers that certain adoptive families wish and pray for; so why is she being treated so poorly?
If you have words of advice or personal experience, please share either on the comments of this post or over on the discussion at the forums. There’s a lot to be learned from one another regarding issues like these and the only way to help others is to respectfully share your experiences and encourage them to look at things without diminishing their experiences. Any words of wisdom would be greatly appreciated by this particular birth mother, I am sure!
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For more, read:
1. The forum discussion: Trying to Understand.
2. Another one: A Little Bit of Honesty… the Word “Mom.”
3. And the other one: Here’s My Truth: What’s Yours?
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Photo Credit.
