Recently, I came across a meme that I found interesting. Dear Me, hosted by a non-adoption related blog, is spreading through some adoption related blogs like wildfire. I wrote a letter to my 2003 Self on my personal adoption blog. Angela of A Barrel of Nelsons (great firstmom blog) wrote a letter to her Self of Last Year. And it got me thinking.

What would you say to your pre-placement self? Beyond the simple, "Don't do it?" I'm talking about specific advice. Where would you start your letter? Before pregnancy? Before you met the birth father? Before birth? After birth? When? The letter that I wrote gave my 2003 Self specific information on how to find a way to parent the Munchkin. Note that I didn't go back to erase the moment in which she was conceived. No, I think the Munchkin is supposed to be here for some reason. I can't erase her from the planet with a letter; she's far too precious to me.

I'm wondering what other birth mothers would tell their pre-birth mother selves in a letter. I know that some would still choose to place. What would you tell your past self to do differently in that case? For example, if I was writing a letter to myself under the premise that I still wanted my past self to place Munchkin for adoption, I would tell 2003 Me to avoid the unethical adoption agency and give 2003 Me the address and phone number of J and D. A lot of heartache and legal issues (and financial loss) for both parties could have been avoided had we been matched outside of the agency's realm.

If you wouldn't want your past self to place, where would you tell your past self to turn? In my letter, I told 2003 Me to actively get past the communication problems I was experiencing with my parents. I've just learned, since New Years' Eve 2006, that my Mother didn't want me to place and thought that I would eventually change my mind. She never said those words. She never offered my brother's old crib but she was willing to give it. In my mind, her lack of offering was saying, "We don't approve. Don't keep this child." So, in my letter, I told 2003 Me that Mom and Dad were willing to help and to talk things out.

I'd like to read other letters of other birth parents as to how they would tell their past self to function during that time. I know some would choose to remove any possibility of pregnancy. Some would instruct themselves to have that abortion instead of skipping the appointment. Some would choose a different family for their child. Some would choose to parent.

For those who are thinking, "What good does dwelling on the past do?" Sometimes it does a lot of good. I'm intelligent enough to understand and accept that I can't change one single thing about the past. Looking at the past with the knowledge I have now, I know things could have been very different. Accepting those differences and allowing them to enter my frame of reference, if only for one letter, lets me heal a bit more. By writing it, instead of just having things like this in the back of my mind, the thoughts "get out" of my head. They become real as others read them on their computer screens. They are no longer a taboo subject, meant only for the darkest corner of my mind. They are out there. It is healing to say, "This could have happened. It could have been. It's not. And it's okay to say that it could have been."

And maybe, in my own process of healing, someone else will learn something.

I encourage you to write a letter to your past self. What would you do differently? Or would you just say, "This is going to happen. Strap in tight, it's a heckuva ride?"

Let's heal together.