Healing: Do You Have Something to Say?

I’ve resolved a bunch of my adoption related anger. Most of the thanks I feel can be handed over to my therapist though, to give credit where it is due, I did a lot of work on my own end! I do have some unresolved anger and it can be directly attributed to the unethical agency through which I placed my daughter. Try as I might, I can’t get past some of these issues. And yes, I am actually trying.

While reading blogs yesterday, I came across something that hit a note with me. At a blog by mother who had made an adoption plan for her child but ended up parenting, I found a letter. The letter was written to the counselor (from the agency) that she had during her pregnancy. Most of it is heartbreaking. If you want to see the injustices that are caused by either blatantly unethical agencies or, if you want to be optimistic, simply uneducated adoption professionals, read the letter. I am so happy that this mother is parenting. For a mother like this to be told that she would be better off placing her child is simply ludicrous. But I’m getting off point!

The letter seems to be a healing idea in general. This mother addressed each of the things that she knows her counselor did wrong, asks why it happened and addresses things that could and/or should be changed. One great example in this mother’s letter is an issue of financial problems. Since many expectant mothers considering placement deal with financial burdens or problems, this mother’s point crosses agency lines and speaks to so many mothers of adoption.

I had told you of my poor financial situation in the past, and how proud I was to get off of assistance. I feared starting over on assistance again.You smiled, raised your eyebrows and nodded. As if to agree, assistance wasn’t what I should do again. However, do you think it would have beneficial for us to evaluate my financial situation? Do you think we would have realized that I would be able to manage with some daycare assistance. Would I have been able to accept that then as I do now? I don’t know, but I think it’s something that should have been addressed more closely.

It’s a good question. Why weren’t those things discussed with this mother? (Why weren’t they discussed with me for that matter?) Something as simple as pointing out resources that are available to a mother and her child(ren) might help quite a few women realize their potential as a mother who can provide. It’s a shame that mother aren’t being informed of such pertinent information.

While this particular mother’s issues may not be every birth mother’s issues, the idea of writing a letter is still a good one. Writing, in general, can be a good way to get emotions “out” of your body and onto paper (or a screen). Actually verbalizing the hurt you feel, questioning the reasons behind it and requesting some sort of change can help some people feel like they have done “something.” While you may not send your letter or get the apology that you would like, if any of your questions and ideas are taken into account for the future, you might be helping future mothers!

And so, the question remains: do you send it or not? I do encourage parents to keep their letters professional in tone (read: don’t cuss them out!) so that you can mail it. I think it’s important for these agencies and attorneys to read what they are doing to the part of the triad that isn’t footing the bill. We are often overlooked and marginalized. The more these people hear about our plight and are forced to own up to their responsibilities in some of this, the more likely things will begin a slow change. If we keep silent, nothing is going to change.

Let me know if you’ve written a letter like this, however long ago you placed, or if you’re planning on it. I know that I should. I just need to think about what I would actually say.

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For more, read:

1. Choosing Words for Letters.

2. Nice Notes.

3. Healing: Write a Letter to Your Past Self.

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Photo Credit.

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