Some adult adoptees are very bothered about the fact that they feel that they have had no control over many important decisions throughout their lifetimes regarding their adoptions. Few children actually get to pick their parents, so that alone is not enough to make adoptees feel a lack of control over their own lives.

However, adoptees are not deemed competent, or so it seems, even as adults to be capable of wisely dealing with the identity of their birth family. Although there are a few rare instances of wild, out of control stalker adoptees, their numbers are scarce. Most adoptees are intelligent, sensitive and respectable human beings. They can generally handle, and are trustworthy enough to be entitled to the names of their birth parents.

Control is a huge issue for some adoptees. In fact, for some adoptees it could be a major factor in the decision to search. Adoptees sometimes feel as though the system treats them as misfits who should not be trusted with details of their adoption.

The theory that giving an adoptee the name of their birth parents might cause harm to said birthparents is nonsensical. Rarely do adoptees have a need to know their identities intent on tracking down their birthparents to wreak havoc on their lives.

Non-adopted children sometimes wreak havoc on their parents’ lives too, but why assume that adoptees especially may want to do so? Are all adoptees supposed to hate their birth parents and want to exact renege? The fact is most adoptees do not hate their birth parents, nor do they want to track them down and wreck their lives. Some adoptees who want their adoption information do not even want to search or reunite, they just want their own information.

Back to my “turn over the reins” theory – when adoptees become adults, or sooner in some cases, we should turn over the reins to them and let them make their own adoption decisions. The decisions I refer to are the decision to seek further information about their adoptions or not and whether or not to act on that information if they choose to search.

As a society, we should provide the information about their adoptions, and as birth and adoptive parents, we should support our children’s decisions in this regard. In writing, I try not to use words like “should” because they sound preachy and somewhat dictatorial.

However, in some instances, and this is one of those, “should” applies. I believe that adult adoptees should have the reins turned over to them, and let them have control. I trust that adoptees will handle having their information in a sensitive and respectful manner.


Further Reading:

Control

Adoptive Parents at Reunion - Stand Aside

Ways to Sabotage a Reunion (See No. 11)

Photo by Jan Baker 2007