January 13th, 2011
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You don’t get over it, you just get through it.

You don’t get by it, because you can’t get around it.

It doesn’t ‘get better’; it just gets different.

Everyday ,  Grief puts on a new face .

~Wendy Feireisen

Grief comes to you when you least expect it. And you absolutely can’t ‘get by it’ when it hits you in the face and you just begin bawling.  My most intense feelings of grief have taken place unplanned and when I was totally caught off guard. You never know what will trigger grief and I believe that sometimes your body just needs to release the pain. At times I haven’t even been thinking about my baby or placement, but I’d feel a difference in my demeanor and eventually it would lead to a crying session or at least an admittance of the emotions. When we suppress these feelings and deny them, I know that it can lead to depressive breakdowns and/or episodes.


What I’ve learned to do is accept the feelings of my heart and my body and allow them to show themselves. That is not an easy thing most of the time. I’ve had to practice the technique and learn to not judge the way I was feeling, but to recognize it and decide how to deal with it. Sometimes we, especially women, just need to vocalize the feelings and the pain. Other times we need to make changes in our lives to encourage healing.

I love the 3rd line of this poem, ‘It doesn’t get better, it just gets different’.  People often ask me if I’m doing better or if the pain is better. I often just say yes because it avoids a long explanation that I don’t care to give them, but truly it is just different. It is less fresh sometimes, and therefore less painful. But at other times it is more intense, because it has been longer since placement. It doesn’t go away and I don’t expect it to. Feeling pain shows us that we are alive.

It bothers me when people ask if I am ‘over it’, or tell me that I will get ‘over it’ and move on. I don’t want to get over it. I want to keep it close forever. But, I now know I am able to get through the grief when it comes. I wasn’t always sure that I could, but I did. And I will continue to.

I promise that all of us can get through our grief, there is always hope. People can help. Seek help if you need it. Pray for strength and let people know you are struggling.

If you are on the other end, watching a person experience grief; show your love and support so that when they need help, they know they can come to you and not be judged.

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2 Responses to “Grieving”

  1. eclaire0603 says:

    Fantastic blog!! I remember the crying jaunts after placing my daughter almost 9 years ago. It angers me that people thing we all get over it at some point–I still grieve even though I see her. Keep your head up and continue blogging!!!

  2. Mel says:

    You are absolutely right, it doesn’t go away it just changes. I remember telling my therapist several years ago that I can’t “get over it” but it is different than it was and that in itself was healing.

    Your advice to others is good too. Just be there, listen, and if they need help then help them get it. Don’t pacify, project, or negate! Thank you for writing this. :)


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