Although I have blogged about this subject before, it is an important enough subject to revisit. Plus, I recently found this essay on paragraphein's blog on the subject of grieving. It is entitled A Way To Honor Life.

Despite what many birth/first mothers expect, or are told, grieving the loss of a child to adoption is not a one-time event. However, a mourning period of some length is generally necessary. Sometimes immediately after relinquishing a child to adoption, women are unable to grieve at all. This inability to grieve adequately is caused by several different factors:

1. Some women feel so fragile after relinquishment, that they are terrified of allowing themselves to feel the pain and loss. I remember thinking that I had to be strong. Particularly if you already have other children, this may be the case. Many birth moms feel that if they allow the depth of their pain to have a voice, it will be unbearable. They are uncertain that they will be able to withstand the pain.

Therefore instead of crying, grieving and releasing all their pain, they bottled it up and were numb. Society used to encourage that practice. Admonitions to "get over it" and "move on" were typical examples. No one used to advise birth mothers to cry and let out their sorrow and pain.

Today, it is somewhat better, now we encourage young women to grieve their loss. It is only somewhat better however, because I believe that we still do not prepare young women for the depths of their grief. Nor do we usually offer ways to heal.

2. Disenfranchised grief is still a reality for birth parents. Much of society does not expect that a mother who loses a child to adoption will suffer a loss. The rationale seems to be that if she chose adoption, she did not want to parent so why should she experience a loss. If she carried a child for someone else, some believe that the child was never hers to begin with, so why would she miss something she never really had. Many women are discouraged and ridiculed for not moving on.

3. Most mothers, or even people in general in our country, do not understand the dynamics of grief and how best to grieve. Some cultures encourage wailing and loud vocal expressions of grief. Releasing the pain vocally is a healthy way to help get it out in the open. Crying is healthy as well. Instead, we are often advised to be brave and strong and rein ourselves in. I used to believe that crying showed weakness. I no longer feel that way. Sometimes crying is an appropriate response and helps aid the healing process.

If we do not acknowledge that birth mothers experience much grief or teach them how to deal with it, is it any wonder that many birth mothers have not grieved and healed as they should? Grief that goes neglected does not evaporate. It generally surfaces at some point. Hence, many birth mothers remain stuck, and unable to achieve much healing.