When we bought our house this past February, we move out of the area of our old church. The church where we were married. The church in which our Son was baptized (on our first anniversary, no less). The church where we felt at home. Looking for a new church is no fun and basically sucks. However, we've finally settled into one. We like the Pastor, the people that we have met and the childrens' programs.

But oh, goodness, I hate going alone.

My Husband is a professional firefighter. He works 24 hours on and then has 48 hours off. Every third Sunday, he has to work. (Throw in the Army once a month and he's not at church with us very often.) Today, I'll be going to church alone.

I am twenty-five. And a half. I look, on a good day, around eighteen. On no makeup, lazy days, I can pull off fourteen. So, toting around a ten and a half month old sometimes gets me unwarranted dirty looks. Where's one place where you don't want dirty looks? Church.

I had a conversation with our new Pastor this past week about the matter. I let him know that on those Sundays that I show up alone with the Nickmeister, I've received some dirty looks. It would be one thing if these looks were solely from older generational church-goers. However, some of these are from parents with children the same age as mine. I want to stand up and say, "We planned and prayed for this child just as much as you did for yours. Gimme a break."

But I don't. Why? Guilt.

I sit in the pew with the overwhelming feeling that I deserve to be judged. I mean, once I was an unmarried pregnant Mother. I had sex out of wedlock. I deserve to be judged. And, on top of all of that malarchy, I "gave away" my child! I have this feeling in the pit of my stomach, a voice that tells me that their looks are warranted because I was once an unwed Mother so their judgements aren't far off. (Though, I must add, that the looks at this church are few and far between which is why we chose it. The problem is mostly with me and how every look makes me feel like ten thousand others are doing the same thing.)

Our previous Pastor knew about the fact that I was a birthmother. I told him one afternoon while we were talking. We discussed some things and he made sure to be respectful on days like Mother's Day. Now I need to get to a new point of comfort with this Pastor. This guy is very Biblical. He's also very loving. I hope that he remembers, when we have the discussion, that we have moved past the book of Deuteronomy, though we should all strive NOT to sin, and into the New Testament where we need to love others as Christ loves us.

And yes, I'm working with my slightly irrational guilt in therapy. We talked this past week about learning how to forgive myself and, basically, stop beating myself into the ground. Someday, right?

I suppose I should go and get us ready for church. I need to calm my nerves.

Photograph from images.com.