June is the infamous month of weddings. I have no doubt that somewhere in this country, sometime during this month, a birth parent will get married.
Mothers and fathers who have relinquished children have weddings and enter into the bonds of marriage just like other people. Some birth parents marry the father or mother of the child that they relinquished, breaking stereotypes that the conception of the child was a one night stand or caused the father to hit the hills running. No matter who they marry, other birth parent, old friend or someone new to their lives, birth parents enter into marriage with the same hopes and dreams as the rest of the population.

And with their own set of baggage.

It's a rare person who doesn't enter into marriage with their own set of baggage. With the average age of first marriage falling in the couples' twenties, the partners in marriage have lived enough life to have experienced both joys and happiness. So, is a birth parent at a disadvantage when it comes to marriage? Is their baggage too much to endure the life-long commitment that marriage entails?

In my opinion, it's an upward battle that birth parents have to be aware of prior to saying, "I do." There are things associated with adoption and the placement of a child, open or closed era, that can bring stress into the home. Being aware of these things, informing your partner of these things and learning to communicate through these issues can help birth parents overcome the pitfalls and make it through those tough and dark days.

First and foremost is discussing the placement with the spouse. Keeping any secret going into marriage is bound to be detrimental, in some form or fashion, to the trust in a relationship. Ideally, the discussion about the existence of a child in your life, open or closed era, would be had early on in the relationship, before questions are popped and opinions are fully formed about your character and your trustworthiness. People do not like to feel lied to, even by omission, and certainly not by someone they want to spend the rest of their life with in marriage. Of course, this goes against what many birth parents from the closed adoption era were told: to forget that the adoption happened and certainly not to discuss it with anyone. Unfortunately, some of those mothers and fathers had their marriages wrecked when their placed child showed up for reunion, thus breaking trust with their spouse and creating new jealousies as well. Being up front about the existence of your child can both weed out inappropriate suitors as well as continue to build trust and understanding through the harder days you experience (birthdays, holidays).

For those already in reunion, expecting to be in reunion or in some form of an open adoption, the above tip goes beyond simply saying, "I have a child who was adopted." Not only does your partner need to understand that you had a child but they need to be accepting of the current relationship you have with that child and the possible future relationship you will form. Hearing them say, "Well, it's fine but I don't want to be involved," may not be the best way to go about the issue. When it comes down to it, your partner should lovingly accept your child as if he or she would be a stepparent. (After all, had you parented, this person would be your child's stepparent.) If they are unwilling to participate in visits or welcome the child into your physical home, I would count this as a red flag. Accepting you, unconditionally, also includes accepting your child, unconditionally.

Something else really needs to be discussed: having children. You need to be on the same page well before children enter the picture. Some partners have a hard time accepting, when it comes to having a biological child together, that the other spouse has been through the experience before. Feelings of resentment towards the spouse, the past partner and the child that resulted from the conception can pop up and create extra drama coupled with the presence of a newly born and mostly screaming child. Encourage your spouse to tell you how they feel about that prospect. Tell them how it felt to conceive and bring your first child into the world. Remind them that though you may have been through the pregnancy and birth of a child, you haven't been through the parenting either. Create new and fun things to do with one another to celebrate this child.

Basically, the key is communication, just like in other relationships. However, just like other issues in adoption, no one really says to concentrate on some of these topics when looking to marry. Just like other people with their own baggage have their own topics to concentrate on, birth parents and their partners can have successful marriages if those lines of communications are left and kept open by the flow and exchange of feelings and ideas. We're not unique with the baggage. We're just unique in some topics and how we handle them, what they mean to our emotional state of being during different times of the year and how we go about making certain decisions.

That said, I'm looking for some birth parents to interview regarding marriage, getting married and all that baggage. Please drop me a comment or e-mail at firstparentblogger@adoptionmail.com .

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For More about Weddings, read:

1. Love Thursday: Wedding Memories.

2. Love Thursday: Munchkin's Presence On Our Wedding Day.


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