Turns out: "Regret is big and scary." Or something of that nature. My posts on the topic, Gritter's lengthy chapter covering multiple aspects of birth parent regret and an open discussion on the forums didn't stop some people from continuing to freak out about the presence and reality of birth parent regret. These people want first parents who regret any aspect of the placement to keep quiet, to keep it to themselves, to stuff it deep down and never let it out.

Pardon me while I roll my eyes. Repeatedly.

I'm not one to be told what to do or how to feel. In fact, I don't know too many birth parents who sit idly by, with no opinion or care as to how they are treated. I do know many who walk on eggshells. Don't mistake their careful steps for being a doormat. Their emotions are real. They are entitled to feel them and, even more, they are entitled to share them with the child that they placed for adoption. (If not now, because they are silenced, most definitely later.)

Oh, scary, isn't it?

The general idea being stated by these anti-regret adoptive parents is, paraphrased:

I don't approve of my child knowing that their biological parent(s) experienced regret at all. I think it will be a big disservice. Therefore, you (referring to the regretful birth parents in question) should never share your regret with my child, even in age appropriate manners.

No compromise. No talk of, "Well, we should sit down and collaborate on how we want to discuss the topic at hand so we can present a united front and thus preserve the child's security with both the adoptive and birth families." No. Just straight up, "Keep your trap shut, you regretful, ungrateful wretch." Or, something of that nature. While those specific words in the latter example may not have been used, that's how it feels when someone tells you that you aren't allowed to tell the truth about your experience.

I'm sorry? You want me to lie to my child? Doubtful that will foster security in the long run!

Because, and I know various adoptees can vouch for the following two examples I'm going to give, I've seen both of these scenarios occur when adoptees enter reunion or have discussions of this nature with their biological families. Obviously, these are the two extremes. There's much more "in the middle stuff." But let's discuss these two:

Scenario #1: Adult adoptee asks birth mother if she regretted placing him. Birth mother says, "No, it was the best thing that happened in my life. I've had no grief or loss issues." Adoptee feels as though birth mother didn't care about or love him.

And:

Scenario #2: Adult adoptee asks birth mother if she regretted placing her. Birth mother says, "It was the most regretful moment of my life. I have loathed every moment of the past 20-some-odd years without your presence." Adoptee feels responsible for birth mother's grief and thus has a new plate of issues to deal with that only create riffs with biological and adoptive families.

As I said, these are both extremes. However, I've (unfortunately) seen both of these cases. (And note, I said "adult" adoptee in each scenario.) So what is a birth parent to do? Can regret be presented in a way that is non-threatening? My answer is still, and always will be, a resounding, "YES!" Ignored regret, suppressed regret, only turns to anger. Forcing birth parents to keep silent will only come back around to bite the entire family in the rear end later in life.

Furthermore, most of the statements that birth parents use to reassure and affirm their placed child have something to do with regret. "I wanted desperately to parent you but I couldn't because of x, y or z reason," is a loving way to tell your child that she was always loved, always wanted, but things got in the way of parenting. It's also a statement laced with regret. There are many variations in theme that state how birth parents loved their child but couldn't parent for whatever reason. They do not negate the adoptive parents. They do not place a burden on the child in question. They simply state the facts.

Again, I don't think any first parent should tell a child, "I hate everything about this adoption. I want you to come home with me." It serves no purpose and would likely (or, most definitely) create an atmosphere of insecurity. However, honest and appropriate statements like, "I wish things could have turned out differently but I'm so very, very glad that we have the relationship that we do, both myself with you and the one I have with your parents," only reaffirm that the child is and was always loved by her first family and that there is security and love and acceptance with the adoptive family.

The truth remains: you can attempt to dictate every word that comes out of your child's birth parent's mouth during their formative years. After your child hits eighteen, you no longer have that ability or "right," as it were. If you've been forcing your child's birth parents to keep their mouths shut regarding regret (or any other emotion!), chances are that once the reins are lifted, the information will come out and, due to years of suppression, it will be laced with anger and bitterness.

Regret does not have to be big and scary. It gets big and scary when people refuse to let it be discussed and acknowledged. I know very few birth parents who placed their children in domestic newborn adoptions who want to emotionally scar their children and make them feel insecure with their (adoptive) families. In fact, of the few whom I do know that might lash out and say something to jolt their child's reality, they are doing so in retaliation of the way they have been treated by their child's family. (Not right but, well, them's the facts.)

You can only silence a person for so long. Eventually, the truth must be told. You can either make it a part of the child's reality from the get-go or let it be a shock later in life. An honest, open discussion between birth and adoptive parents so that they can present a united front can make things easier on the child. If the birth family and adoptive family choose to work together on this topic, picking words that appropriately share the regret without totally freaking the child out, in the end, the adoptive parents still have that bit of control in helping choose the wording. Work together or choose not to do so but think about which one you want to deal with in the long run.

The answer seems easy to me. (Read: work together! It's good stuff!)

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For more, read:

1. A Journey To Regret and Others Talk About Regret.

2. The First and Second Halves of Lifegivers which focuses on birth parent regret.

3. Or join in the original discussion on the forums: Birth Parent Regret.

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Japanese Kanji symbol for regret found on About.com.