This week, as the snow piles on us again, I feel a little heavier. It's not just because I've been eating Polish pastries (Paczki days are here!). It's not to be blamed on the snow because, trust me, I love snow. As much as I love winter, I start struggling with emotional things round about now. This year is harder for reasons I don't feel like talking about today. And so, today's "fresh outlook" is a deeper, harder look at some adoption issues. Controversial? A bit. Worth a ponder before you start your weekend? Probably. New and different? Definitely.

Boomerific posted a thoughtful, heart-felt, deep and heavy post yesterday regarding birthing a child, separation, birth parents, adoption, relinquishment and revocation. I had to read it in small bits and pieces because, in my struggles this month, too much adoption emotion (or emotion in general) can send me over the edge. I kept coming back to it throughout the day (and night and again today) before I realized that it fit perfectly into the Fresh Outlook Friday series.

It fits here not just because some of the questions being posed, which we will get to shortly, are new and different (they are) but because Boomerific herself is experiencing a new and fresh outlook, different from some of the things she has felt and believed in the past, and she admits it in this post. Sometimes it's hard to admit when our own thoughts and beliefs change, especially if we have been so adamant about them in the past. I think that deserves a pat on the back. Now, onto the post.

First and foremost, I think the world needs to read this and tattoo it on their hearts:

Long before I ever intended to became a mother through childbirth I held to one very crucial principle: you can’t (or shouldn’t) adopt until you can acknowlege that such circumstances could arise that would compel you to give up your own children. People who say, “I could never do that!” should not adopt. Women who relinquish are ordinary women of all ages, races, and social classes who face difficult cirumstances. To assume that you yourself could never find yourself in similar cirumstances is the height of arrogance and naivitee. And this goes for domestic and international adoption.

It wasn’t until I knew love for this separate person, my son, at six weeks, that I knew in my heart I could give him up if I needed to. The issue is complicated of course, and who knows where I would draw the line. Having known the love of an expectant adoptive parent I knew it was possible–gut-wrenching, horrific, but possible–to trust someone else to raise my child. But I needed to love him first.

Immediately after reading these two paragraphs, I got up and left my computer. As tears fell down my cheeks, I sat on my bed, clutching the Munchkin's blankie, and thought about those words. I, myself, have said before that I am just like every other woman on the planet: just one who faced a difficult decision and did the best that she thought she could with what she was offered. However, it doesn't seem to make a difference with a birth mother claims that she's just like Jane, Sally and Mary. Jane, Sally and Mary don't feel that way. So, when Jane's sister nudges Jane and says, "No, really, she IS just like you," it touches me.

Furthermore, I've never honestly heard an adoptive mother (or a mother by birth, such as this example) ever say, "I could do this if I absolutely had to do so." I don't think I've read it on a blog. (If you know of someone who has written about it, please link me. I'd also like to thank them.) I know I haven't heard it in discussion with other moms. So, again, I was brought to tears by the fact that someone understood on that strange level that many mothers refuse to visit.

From there, things tend to get a little controversial and, even for me, "different." Boomerific provides her personal feelings on the topic of relinquishment, if it was her, stating that she would have needed to parent for six weeks in order to make the right decision. I encourage you to visit her blog and read the rest of it and get involved in a respectful conversation. Boomerific asks questions at the end of her post that I think you should answer over there. Over here, I simply encourage my readers to think about some of these things. If you've never thought about having no other decision but to let someone else parent your child, think about it. Just for a moment. If you feel uncomfortable with the other things suggested, just simply let yourself feel that specific part of the post.

On top of that, I encourage all members of the triad to think about how your own outlook has changed over the years. Know that it will continue to change and morph as your experiences mould your thoughts, emotions and being. Our lives and hearts change shape. You may start out as a square but turn into a circle. Admitting that you have changed isn't always easy. But when we stop trying to push ourselves in a square-shaped-hole, we fit much better into our new circular lives. And so my questions are:

How have your thoughts changed over the years? Does it feel weird to admit it? Why? How do you explain to others how and why your feelings and beliefs have changed?