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Birth mothers are often misunderstood. If they want contact, they haven’t “moved on” enough in their life and are thus “unhealthy.” If they don’t want contact, they’re avoiding or living in “denial” and are thus “unhealthy.” If they struggle with the concept at all, they’re obviously and simply “unhealthy.” Society doesn’t accept how they feel no matter what that feeling entails. It’s a lose-lose-lose situation at times.
That’s why this post, entitled Do I Ever Want to Walk Away, by Poor_Statue at her blog, Not Mother, is something that every birth mother, every adoptive parent, every adoptee and every body should take the time to read. I read it earlier this week and was blown away by how clearly she presents the points of birth motherhood that are so often misunderstood.
Poor_Statue, a birth mother in open adoption, brings up the many myths that society, as a whole, subscribe to regarding openness in adoption.
Still, even if we assume that both parties understand and agree with all of the benefits to all the triad members, there is basically no support from society, including a big chunk of the adoption world. All of the false messages I’ve already mentioned (and many more) are the majority view. My daughter’s parents’ social workers told them that open adoption would be confusing and that they never should have given me their address. My friends encouraged me to walk away and “let them be a family.” Even today, most of the people in my life continue to tell me how lucky I am to be allowed to see my daughter. Even those who are supportive of my open adoption are supportive because they care about me, not because they really believe it’s better for her. When the rest of the world can’t see the benefits, it can be very hard to keep believing in them yourself.
And she’s right. It is very hard to keep believing in the benefits of open adoption when everyone is telling you that you’re wrong, that you’re harming your child’s delicate psyche or that you’re just being a selfish woman. It’s hard to stay strong. It’s hard not to let those words infect your being, making you feel as though you have nothing to offer your child via visiting. (Which is one of the myths that I brought up in my previous post.)
She further brings up a point that still saddens me to my core regarding how other birth mothers might treat birth mothers involved in open adoptions.
I’ve participated in some communities where I was made to feel guilty about grieving my open adoption. How could I complain and grieve when I at least still had contact.
I’ve been fed that as well. “But you see your child, you know where your child is, so you don’t really understand the grief and loss associated with adoption.” I hate that we pit one group off of another. All birth parents experience grief and loss. Instead of trying to decide who has it worse, we should be embracing one another and letting the other cry on our shoulder, before or after, depending on what day it is in the year, we cry on theirs.
She goes on to bring up another great point about the lack of open adoption in the “spotlight.”
There are no visible models of open adoption. It’s not a well understood way to make a family. Living open adoption fully requires the willingness and ability to constantly educate people and to fight against the preconceptions and prejudices (this goes for all involved parties). It can involve sharing more than you want to share about your life. It involves all the same complications as other family relationships except that most of the world doesn’t see you as family and is more than likely to encourage you to cut ties when things get hard.
Sharing more than you want to share: yep, that sounds about right. Some people argue that you shouldn’t have to share things with random people because of things based around privacy. At the same time, I’ve personally come to a point in my life where I refuse to deny my daughter. If I’m questioned about who the curly haired girl with the same eye shape is, I’m going to tell people. If we walk into church with D’s family trailing behind, I’m going to introduce them as who they are. Is it comfortable? No. Will some people dislike it? Oh yes. Am I still going to do it? Yep.
The most vivid statement she makes is about parenting itself.
And it is an investment. I thought I chose not to parent, but I’m there answering questions and interacting with my child. I’m making decisions about what I’m modeling for her, what things I’m willing to talk about, how I handle difficult situations. I’m influencing her. I didn’t get rid of the hard parts of being a parent- I added new complications. I may not get to decide what she eats or what her bedtime is, but I have to decide what message I want to send her about her birthfather, about love, about losing her, about why someone could give up their child.
I have never heard it explained so perfectly. “I added new complications.” It’s true. Even James L. Gritter, author of books such as Lifegivers, explains that birth parents in open adoption do have their own form of parenting. Of course, we don’t decide that bed time. But we do make certain decisions that will effect their lives forever. That includes how we process what society says about us (and our worth/worthlessness) which can directly or indirectly effect the quality of our visits.
In short, which this has turned into something not short, you simply must go read the post. You have to because it’s simply the best piece on birth parent involvement that I’ve ever read. I’ve only highlighted some things that personally resonated with me. Others are going to glean other information that will relate specifically to their open adoptions. You might learn something. You might feel convicted for how you judge birth parents. You might change your point of view. You might not but at least you’ll have read what your lack of acceptance does to those of us who have to buck up and deal whether you approve of our involvement or not.
Read it. Pass it on. Live it.
Jenna, I agree – it is a very powerful and insightful post and well worth reading.
It’s a great post. Thanks for directing us to it.