I've often wondered why forgiving our own parents can be one of the hardest steps a birth parent has to make on their healing journey. For me, personally, it was a long process. Relationships between child and parent have been destroyed, never to be repaired, because of adoption. Why? What is at the core of this inability or unwillingness to forgive?

I think the fact that these people are our parents is what lies at the core. As children, we expect our parents to protect us from harm, be it emotional or physical. They are our guardians, our heroes. When we are faced with an unplanned pregnancy, often times our biggest and first adult issue, we still feel that need to be protected, especially in our vulnerable state. Instead of protection and understanding, too many birth parents have been faced with (and sadly, still are faced with) a plethora of negative reactions. We've heard the stories where the birth mother's parent took the child from her arms. We've heard birth parents recount how they were told by their own parents that if they decided to parent the child that they were no longer welcome in their home, leaving them with no other option for physical housing. We've heard the coercive language used on young mothers and fathers, to think about their own future, never mentioning that they, as parents, could never imagine letting go of a child in hopes of a semi-decent future.

Sometimes the parents were legitimately most at fault for the separation of mother and child. Sometimes it was a coercive tactic that they employed, possibly not even knowing what they were doing at the time. Sometimes it was a complete lack of support, emotional or physical. Sometimes, birth parents are just left thinking, "Why didn't you tell me how much I was going to love my child? You knew. I had no clue." Angry and defeated, feeling neglected by the person or couple of people that should be interested in their own best interest, many birth parents reach an impasse when it comes to forgiving their own parents.

What can be done? Is there a way to forgive your own parents? Are birth parents doomed to forever have poor relationships with their own parents? Is it hopeless?

I don't think that it is hopeless. However, I do think it involves more work on the birth parent's side than on the parents side. In a recent discussion, some other birth mothers told me that they were able to forgive their parents when they finally offered up an apology. My own advice is, "Don't hold your breath." Certain personality types, an inability to see fault (especially if the adoption itself is positive) or certain situations will prevent people from offering that apology. In fact, I found a great quote regarding forgiveness and expecting that apology:

"Sincere forgiveness isn't colored with expectations that the other person apologize or change. Don't worry whether or not they finally understand you. Love them and release them. Life feeds back truth to people in its own way and time."
-Sara Paddison

You honestly may not receive the apology. It is nice. In fact, when I received my apology, just over a year after I had finally given up some of the resentment I had towards my own mother, I really thought my heart was going to explode with love and joy. And yet, as you just read, I had forgiven my mother before that apology was ever offered up. Why? I had to, personally, to keep my head above water. It was part of my own healing process, something I needed to do in order to move forward.

That said, is it part of everyone's healing process? I would assume the answer would be "no" as all experiences are different and our own unique personalities will also dictate how we view those experiences. Sometimes parents had nothing to do with the adoption decision and thus forgiveness isn't needed. Some birth parents are able to push their own emotions aside in order to have a relationship with their parents. Others need, as part of their healing, to simply let go of the relationship and walk away, making a clean break. There is no right or wrong answer.

For those wanting to salvage a relationship and forgive their parents, my only advice is to do it in your own time. While I forgave my mother a year before she apologized to me, that apology still came two years after placement. Do I feel guilty, now, about the time I lost in having a decent relationship with my parents? Yes, a bit. However, I acknowledge the work I had to do on my end to get to a place where I recognized that forgiveness was, quite possibly, more about me than it was about absolving my parents. For each birth parent, the experience will be different.

In fact, tomorrow morning, I'll discuss some of those differences amongst some birth mothers. Until then, please realize this: if you have not yet forgiven your own parents for their involvement in the adoption of your child or feel as though it is something you simply cannot do, you are not alone. No one here would pass judgment on you for it. Do not place more guilt on yourself concerning this issue.

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For more on forgiveness, read:

1. How to Forgive Others.

2. Forgiveness in Adoption.

3. Forgiving Yourself: A Task For Birth Parents, Parts One and Two.

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