You are so right about the guilt. Even when you can rationalize away the guilt- it's there. I gave my child up when I was 15 and spent years in a self destructive spiral until I realized in doing so I would never be the person she deserved to meet someday. I chose happiness and attempted to be a better person. After the birth of my 2nd child (15 years later) I serach and found her but did not contact her until she was 18. I knew where she went to school so I got her yearbooks and google her name. She was an athlete and honor student. I was thrilled that she had (on the surface) such a great life. After writing her a letter after her 18th birthday I didn't hear from her for about 10 months. She finally contacted me when I was pregnant with my next child. She shared that she had an eating disorder and was recently diagnosed with bipolar disorder. She was trying to get her life in order and was doing well. Her parents where not happy that we had contact and I think she carried a lot of guilt because of it. She was a people pleaser and I gave her lots of room so she didn't feel crowded or pushed into anything more than she could handle. I heard from her on May 29th 2003 and then nothing for several weeks. I tried e-mailing and calling after about 3 weeks and nothing and then on a whim googled her name, something I had not done since we had had contact with one another. The first thing that popped up was her obituary. She was dead at 20 years old. It a year to the day of her death and plenty of research to find out what killed her. Apparently, although she was in recovery- her heart was weak from the years of abuse from anorexia and she suffered a heart attack essentially. I have never contacted her parents or been contacted by them and I spend each day feeling so much guilt about losing her twice. Did her adoption make her more likely to suffer from the anorexia, I ask myself? Did she really suffer from bipolar disorder - did I pass it on to her? So many questions and no answers. She is always in my heart. But so is the guilt.

Lmcabbo,

I cannot imagine how stunning that must have been to see your daughter's obituary. One of the most frustrating aspects of adoption is that there will always be unanswered questions. In your situation, that is magnified.

However our chldren turn out is very complicated, and so many factors are involved, and out of our control. You not have known or predicted such an outcome, and so many factors probably influenced your daughter.

It is unfortunate that you have been unable to talk to her adoptive parents. Maybe they could shed some light on the situation, and help you understand.

I wish continued healing for you and hope that you find ways to forgive yourself.

Courage: Giclee print - www.kathymcneillquilts.com

Dedicated to my youngest daughter and her birthmother.

I wrote her letters every year until my daughter started school. I still find myself whispering the latest news, hoping that somehow it will find it’s way to her. She would be so proud of this little one we share. A University sophomore, now, 5 feet tall, smart, beautiful, stubborn, and one of the world’s greatest procrastinators.

Is it 50/50? Nature versus Nurture? If so, then we would have a lot to discuss. What came from where? The stubbornness is up for grabs. Her beauty and charm, I definitely will have to concede.

I think about you a lot. Maybe more than our daughter does at this phase of her young exciting life. She is almost the same age as when you made this monumental decision. Would it have all been different if your circumstances at this age had been similar to hers?

The letters have never been read. When my daughter was twelve, we sent extra money to the agency asking that they try and find an updated address or contact. We were told that, after that first year, they had not been able to locate any forwarding information. At this time, my daughter says she is not interested in searching; but the connection between the three of us still exists.

A connection of courage and hope. That little one, wide eyed, trusting that love will help her become the best of whom God created her to be.
Each mother filled with a different type of courage.; hoping that love will conquer many of the obstacles in her path. We share this amazing young woman. I wish there was a way to reassure you that she has thrived with our love. An image of that connection came to me in a way that words could not express. So I made a visual verse from hundreds of scraps of fabric. A quilt that holds the courage and love that all three of us share.

Soon it will be my turn to let her go off into the world. Her wings are strong, her character solid, her choices wise. I will borrow your courage. She will continue to thrive. The 50/50 we have given her will be enough.



Kathy is the mother of two Korean born adopted children. She is an internationally award winning textile artist. The quilted image she made for her daughter is available as a limited edition print. For details contact: www.kathymcneilquilts.com

Hello, I am an adoptee 42 years in the making. It is my legacy, my pain, my very destruction of every pain I carry. I have met my birth mom from her contacting me. Her last statement was she did'nt like me!!!!!!!!!All I know is how I yearned for her from the time I was told I didn't come from the lady stomach that adopted me @ 4 yrs. I could write a book to all birth mom saying forget the guilt and form a fight to help every parent that needs help!! This issue of the lying triad is insane, the adopted parent pretends they are the real parents I see it all the time.The veil is a lie I became a lie from birth and talk about shame well the shame from the adoptee is worse. I am denied from my birth people and my adopted parents well I am not there blood either and they don't understand stand why I do what I do because of genes. So, they want to think something wrong with me because I am more affectionate than they are. Nobody left instructions on my family history and if the did Well, it was a paragraph. Go figure!!! Then the adopted family makes the adoptee feel shame IF they want to get to know there real parents. All the lies and shame and betrayals.It has to STOP!!!!!! Yes it can stop if these mommies want to be's would sponsor a needy mother or father. But you see its not about the child ever we never get a say in the whole matter and its our life that is being thrown away.I could say so much more,I just want a true LOVE for the triad. If people keep discarding children on a whim to have a better life I say shame on you if your discarding your child for them to have a better life I say I'd rather have been poor. Quit hurting and stop the lie by helping a person to keep their child.

WOW, that is a little harsh. It is a tragedy what happened to you, but did you read the post before yours? How wonderful for those women, I hope my son and his a-parents feel the same way towards me. I think what I did for my son was the best thing for him. Yes I have guilt and plenty of it. It has been 11 years and I still think of him everyday, his b-day (month) is really tough. My father and step mother keep in touch and I get pictures and updates through them, but it wasn't easy to let him go. It felt as if someone ripped my heart from my chest, I couldn't think, I couldn't breathe and the first few months, all I kept thinking, is he awake, is he eating, is he crying, can they soothe him, is he healthy, can they handle him? It's not easy to let go of someone that is a part of your heart & soul. I feel for all you birth mothers out there. And for any child that has had a bad experience to adoption, I know that my entire family would open their hearts and lives to my son when he is ready, we have already done it for one of my cousins and an aunt.

WhytoAdopt - you're in a lot of pain, that comes through loud and clear. You know that letting go of pain is not that easy. I do know many birth parents and adoptees that do work to try to keep families together when possible.

None of the birth parents I know relinquished their children on a whim. They honestly believed that they were doing what would be best for their children or had little choice in the matter. Sometimes they were right, sometimes not.

We need to keep working on educating people about the damage separating babies and mothers when it it not absolutely necessary. Everyone's voices are needed.

Comments seem to have gone alittle off course, but I am glad that it did. I've been entirely moved by the stories that have been shared here! Jan, however, you stated that you know "MANY birth parents and adoptees that do work to try to keep families together when possible"...where does this happen? Certianly not in my world. This is my voice and I am agreeing that educating is key but with so many variables (and DEEP emotions involved)it seems most just choose not to deal with the problem.

Belle,

It's nice to see someone reaching back and checking out not just the most current posts. I happen to belong to a national organization called Concerned United Birthparents.
http://www.cubirthparents.org/.

One of their goals is family preservation, education and supporting adoption reform are others.

Thanks for your kind words!