I encourage you … say who you are out-loud when you have the opportunity. Say it out-loud to a group of others who know and understand the enormous emotion of your words.
The quote above comes from a great article called I Said it Out Loud that discusses a birth mother’s coming out at her first support group meeting. Actually saying the words, “I am a birth mother,” affects different women in varying degrees. However, the first time a woman says those words out loud is often a profound and powerful moment.
Until reunion, I never thought of myself as a birth mother. I had never told anyone, and had all my thoughts about my son buried too deeply. Many other birth moms from my era handled the adoption of their children in the same manner. Some brave souls never hid the adoption, and always planned to search someday.
Being found threw me headfirst into the birth mother role. One night I was a wife and mother of two, the next I was a birth mother who parented two other children. Soon after, I began telling people that I had relinquished a child to adoption. It was much easier than I anticipated.
After so many years of hiding, worrying about someone finding out, the reactions that I received were far different that what I had expected. Thank goodness for that! I expected harsh and judgmental reactions. Although I did get a few, most people responded with compassion and kindness.
Telling others was easier for me than some because I am not a naturally secretive person. While some people tend to be very private about their personal life, that has never been part of my make-up. However, even for me, I recall that same moment when I actually said the words, “I am a birth mother” for the first time.
Publicly speaking out and saying, “I am a birth parent,” can be a powerful experience. Whether it is before a support group, on local radio, national television or even to one other person, saying those words can be freeing and empowering. Each time you acknowledge your parenthood to your relinquished child, it becomes easier.
At first, you are trying on the role, to see if it fits. The more you acknowledge being a birth parent is part of who you are, the sting of the words and the power they have over you lessens. The same is true with telling your story to others. Although the first time may be extremely difficult, it becomes easier as you tell it again and again.
Telling your adoption story helps release some of its power over you as well. When you keep all your thoughts bottled up, they have the ability to immobolize you, and to keep you fearful and hesitant about life. Getting your story out also helps your healing process. Your story becomes part of who you are.
To a certain extenet, you can choose how it will affect you. It can paralyze you and make you afraid to live a full life. You can run and hide from it, or you can incorporate it into your life. Did I say that it would be easy? No, I would never say that because I do not believe that it is. For some, it is easier than others.
The benefits of finding your voice, using it and refusing to remain mute and apathetic can be significant. If you are troubled by how you were treated, or others that you know, you have the ability to speak out and improve pregnancy counseling and adoption.
More Birth Mother Voices:
One of my favorite, strong birth mom voices is Susan Sousa. She wrote a wonderful book called “The Same Smile.” If you check out the photo on the cover of her book, the title becomes clear. Read My Healing Experience After Reunion also written by Susan.
Another of my favorite birth mother voices is Australian Evelyn Robinson.
I hid my birthmother status from all but CUB members and a very few close friends until my son searched for me (I had paved the way by signing all paperwork permitting him to do so as soon as changes in Michigan law made that paperwork available). For me, it was my shame and guilt over not being able to overturn my parents’ decision (operationalized by the doctor and agency). I fought and fought, but as a minor, I had no rights. At any rate, I had/have never forgiven myself for not winning (and my placed son will never forgive me for it, either). I believed that everyone would judge me as harshly as I judged myself. Further, my parents have never wanted the extended family to know (a situation that has always been facilitated by us having lived in different states since a year and a half before the birth of my placed son.). They react with condemnation (How could I shame them in front of the family, they ask???) and anger when it comes up. It’s really a very strange situation. We’ve been in reunion for 16.5 years and it’s been an “overlap between two families” (adoptive and birth) dynamic. Everyone who knows me, knows P. is my son (although he’s been around for so long now; the adoption part is really only known by those who knew me pre-reunion…it just doesn’t come up with others). On the other hand, only one aunt knows about him in Maryland. Since P. isn’t burning with desire to the extended family and never has been, it’s worked out okay. However, I’m sure it perpetuates my rage and shame on some level; having to keep their brother a “secret” has put a horrible strain on my parented children (especially because P lived with us for a year or more) and I’m sure it makes P feel that I am ashamed of him. Sigh.
I think you are right that having to keep it secret from anyone is a strain. I have a similar issue.