Part One.

By this point, you have called a few therapists after locating them online via one or two resources or by simply finding them in the phone book. Now is the time to dig deeper. Is this therapist a "match" for you? While the mental health professional that you're looking at may have adoption experience, is he/she understanding and compassionate with birthparents? With that question, we move on to the next Step.

Step 6. Interview your therapist. Say what? When you make that first consultation or appointment, have a list of questions that you want to ask the therapist in hand and ready to go. Why? The first appointment with any mental health professional is the "get-to-know-you" and "gather-your-history" type of visit. While the therapist will have questions for you, especially regarding adoption and your mental health history, you can also have a myriad of questions waiting to fire back. Some questions that I recommend asking include, but are not limited to:

a) How many firstparents have you worked with? Were these "voluntary" relinquishments or cases where the children were removed from the home?

b) Are you versed in open adoption? (Obviously, this question is for birthparents in open adoption.) Have you taken any classes or been to any seminars on the matter? What is your opinion of open adoption? (If the therapist busts out with, "I think it's awful!," this may not be an appropriate match for you.)

c) What is your general opinion of birthparents? What is your general opinion of adoptive parents? Are they better than firstparents?

d) How long have you been practicing? In that time, how many adoption cases have you worked with?

I feel this set of questions helps to put a firstparent and therapist on the same page. If after this set of questions you are not pleased or feel as though you're looking at the same subject from polar opposite points, feel free to say that you will not be scheduling another appointment. Of course, in doing so, you have to put yourself through the same exhausting interview with another mental health provider but, in the end, it's worth it. I promise you.

While these six steps are not fail-proof, they are a good start. Actually, if you remove firstparent language and insert your own issue, title or problem, these tips could help most anyone find a decent therapist.

Some tips to remember once you have found your decent therapist:

a) Honesty is key. Much like I say, over and over, in regards to communication between adoptive and birth parents, you've got to be honest. If you aren't 100% honest with your therapist, he/she isn't going to be able to help you. If you feel uncomfortable with a line of questioning, instead of saying, "I don't know," say, "That question makes me feel uncomfortable. Could you help me figure out why?"

b) Do you homework! If your therapist gives you homework, do it. If they send you home with an assignment to write a letter to someone with whom you have unresolved issues, do it. It may stink. It may make you an emotional basket-case in the process. However it will be beneficial to your emotional healing in the long run.

c) Be gentle with yourself. You don't have to have it all figured out in the first appointment. I'm well into my treatment with this therapist and we just keep digging up more and more issues. Is it frustrating at times? Yes. Are there days when I don't want to be challenged to look deeper? Definitely. I have a higher goal in mind, though, and that is a peaceful heart. I need to get past this grief, this loss and this guilt. Don't be so hard on yourself.

d) If you've had a bad experience with a therapist in the past, let your therapist know. Let him/her know triggering words for you. For example, I don't want to be told that I'm brave and courageous. My therapist has made a not of this and avoids it in conversation. Do you prefer to be called a birthparent or a firstparent or a biological parent or any other number of names? Make it known. Your therapist is not a mind reader.

These are all the tips that I have regarding therapy. I'm still working through it on my end. Right now, things seem to be working well. I can't promise that it will stay that way. Remember that therapists move and retire just like any other career-person. Use your therapist to learn more about yourself but do not become dependent. You can do this!