We often hear of the fears that adoptive parents have regarding visits in open adoption. However, birth parents have fears as well. Some of them are based on stereotypes and false information they were fed by the media, society or unethical agencies. Some are legitimate fears based on the unknown. By discussing those fears, we hope to debunk myths and give birth parents the confidence to continue being a physical presence in their birth child's life.

1. By Visiting, You Will Interfere In Your Birth Child's Life. Total myth. As long as you remember that open adoption is not the same thing as co-parenting, there will be no issues of interference. Your child's adoptive parents, even on visits, have the authority to tell the child no, comfort hurt feelings and any other parental responsibilities and rights. Of course, if you're asked if you want to help put the child to bed, don't hesitate in saying yes! Just because you are putting your birth child to bed one night doesn't mean that you will forever skew her understanding of who her parents are and thus interfere in her growth and development. She isn't confused when she spends time with grandparents, aunts or uncles so your presence, another very important individual to shower her with love, will not be "interfering."

2. It Will Be Hard. Total truth. There will be times that it will be very hard to see your child call someone else Mommy. Events like birthday parties can test even the strongest and most secure of birth parents. However, just because something is hard doesn't mean you should walk away from it. To quote Theodore Roosevelt:

"Nothing in the world is worth having or worth doing unless it means effort, pain, difficulty."

Sometimes you can prepare for the pain. Sometimes it will catch you off guard. Knowing that it is normal to feel a wide range of emotions during a visit will help you as you continue to process these feelings.

3. I Have Nothing to Offer my Child. Total myth. You see this sentiment from far too many birth parents. Reasons for this range from a low self-esteem (which some argue is caused by the placement while others argue their low self-esteem lead to the placement) or because that's the information that they have been spoon-fed by agencies, family members or society in general. The truth is: you do have something to offer your child. You have love. You have answers. Even if you feel that you can't relate to small children and that you are "no fun," your child will benefit from your presence.

4. But the Agency Said I'd "Move On." Part myth, part truth, depending on how you define moving on. I am not a believer of the idea that birth parents forget and move on with their lives without thought or care to their birth children. I define "moving on" more as "moving forward with a newly defined sense of self." Moving forward includes who you are as a mother and who your birth child is to you in that sense. Moving forward includes trying to make the best decisions for your family, with the help of the adoptive parents and the child's eventual input, so that everyone can have a healthy life. Continuing to visit with your child does not show an unhealthy response in your healing. Instead, in my opinion, it shows that you are willing to risk general pain and sadness because you believe that it is in the best interest of your child. It shows that you're willing to put your own fears aside. It shows maturity. "Moving on" should bedefined by how you form your life after placement and not a complete departure from how the birth and placement of your child has thus altered your life.

5. But my Family/Friends/etc Don't Understand. Unfortunately, this seems to be a general truth. A lot of people simply don't understand open adoption. That's okay. Did you understand all that open adoption entailed before you joined the adoption triad? I personally didn't. In fact, I didn't know that visits were an option until J broached the subject with me one evening. If people around you don't seem to understand, gently educate them on the reasons that you and your child's adoptive parents have decided that visits are beneficial. Merely quoting statistics about the benefits of open adoption aren't going to sway your naysayers. Of course, telling them the reasons for your family's decision may not either but it will give them a more personal example. Furthermore, you shouldn't let the beliefs or lack of understanding from others dictate what you do with your life. And that goes for anything that you do! If, after explaining, they still don't understand or support your decisions, tell them that on this topic, you will just have to agree to disagree and leave it at that; this is not their decision! It is yours along with your child's parents.

There are other fears, fact and fiction, that birth parents face regarding visiting their placed child. It's hard to address all of them in one post. Do you have a specific fear? Have you heard of a fear that made you laugh? Or one that left you shocked? If you have, share. Perhaps we'll talk about them some more in the future!