June 3rd, 2008
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I spent a week and some odd days talking about Mother’s Day and how the day affects the birth mother masses. In the past, I’ve just made a solitary post each year about Father’s Day and those biological fathers in our midst. I don’t think that’s quite fair, do you? So we’re going to bump it up a notch here on the Birth Parent Blog.

But I need some help from others. Mainly because I’m not a birth father. Or a father. Or a man.

I will be discussing some general stuff, such as ideas for Father’s Day presents for biological fathers involved in open adoptions. I’ll have some tips for wives who are married to birth fathers (but don’t share the relinquished child) as to how they might acknowledge their husband’s child and, as such, his fatherhood. I’ll have some good stories along the way. But I do need a bit of your help.

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Are you a birth father? How does this day make you feel? Do you do anything special to acknowledge your fatherhood, your child or your loss? Do you ignore it, purposefully or subconsciously?

Are you an adoptive parent? Do you acknowledge your child’s biological father on Father’s Day? If not, do you acknowledge your child’s birth mother on Mother’s Day? We so often see families celebrating the (adopted) child’s “two mothers” but we don’t often see a celebration of two fathers. There are certain reasons for this but I’m wondering if it isn’t a bit of gender bias as well. Your thoughts?

Are you an adult adoptee? Do you acknowledge both your biological and adoptive father on Father’s Day? Have you found that one party or the other doesn’t want recognized? Or resents your recognition of the other? Do you feel conflicted on days like Father’s Day and Mother’s Day? Are you a parent yet? Has your view of days like these changed since starting your own family?

And, finally, since I’m all about the questions today: are you a birth mother? How does Father’s Day make you feel with regards to your relinquished child and his/her biological father? Are you able to set aside resentment and wish him a happy day or not? Does his involvement or lack thereof make you feel happy, sad, angry or ambivalent? Despite what may have been a rocky past, are you able to let him “have his day” whether he acknowledges it or not?

You can answer these questions, in whole or in part, either via a comment to this post or by e-mailing jennah at adoptionblogs dot com. Of note: comments with a nasty tone towards birth father’s in general will be deleted. While you can speak specifically about your situation, generalizations are not welcome and will not be tolerated. Own your words.

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For more on birth fathers, read these posts.

Photo Credit.

5 Responses to “Father’s Day is Coming”

  1. I emailed a c/p of this article to my husband to see if he’s up to answering the questions. Hopefully he won’t be put off by the questions being skewed towards the general idea that birth fathers walk away. Email me if you want if you wanted to change the specific questions towards his circumstances.

  2. Thanks magic; I just e-mailed you that, yes, these questions were skewed which is partially my fault and partially because I always have one birth mother – birth father duo that married (and is now expecting!) that I defer to for that specific purpose. I’m going to have to remember to add you guys to the list. :)

  3. Opalwench says:

    Jenna, I don’t know if he’ll answer or not but I’m linking this to my fiance. We’re skewed a bit the same way though. Also if he doesn’t answer I’d be willing to, though the last question feels a little different than our situation (I mean I’ve got some resentment for some of his actions, but we’re still together and engaged.)

  4. Heather says:

    We’re actually sending our son’s birth dad the same gift we sent his birth mom for Mother’s Day. It’s the first year he was old enough to make a craft, so I had him make two of them at the same time back in May.

    Our daughter’s birth dad chooses not to be in contact at this time and she’s far too young to be aware of the holiday, so we are not doing anything for him.

  5. thomasina says:

    I am an adult adoptee, such that my parents were divorced when I was very young and my stepfather legally adopted me. He will get a card. My birthfather was a physically and mentally abusive, out-of-control alcoholic (my adoptive father was also an alcoholic) who went on to remarry and have six more children. I did not have much to do with him for many years because I was afraid of him and his behavior. Now, I am middle aged and he is a broken down old man. I decided a few years ago that it was not good for me to carry rage around and started a telephone relationship. So, I will call him on Father’s Day even though he doesn’t deserve anything from me.
    I am also a birthmother who was forced to place by her parents. My birthson grew up in a religious cult that believes that giving birthday, Mother and Father’s Day cards is worshipping that of the worldly. So, no one will get anything from him.

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